GAZA “IT MAY WELL be the quickest way to get America to lean on Israel. Just have everyone in Gaza covert to Catholicism. You get the Vatican on your side too. It’s win win. Otherwise stray munitions are going to keep hitting civilian gatherings.” General Archibald Armchair of the London-based MI6Links strategic policy think tank,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY DIANE ABBOTT’S REMARK that Jews, and others experience racism differently to black people may have resulted in her suspension from the UK’s ruling Labour Party, but it has also led to serious confusion among the world’s black Jews. “I don’t know if people hate me more because I am black, or Jewish,” said…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A LARGE PROPORTION of the celebrities who appear at the Wimbledon Law Tennis Championships every year, do not appear to like tennis, according to a leading psychologist who has spent a decades studying the faces of the luminaries. Dr Deuce Balls, whose recent book, Game, Set And Scratch My Back, tells the history…

WASHINGTON THE AMERICAN ADMINISTRATION says there are no plans to put tariffs on the importation of spray tan to the country. A short communique reads: “As spray tan is designated an executive resource in this country, the free flow of this product will not be affected by any tariffs.”

AUSCHWITZ THE PLACING OF a mock migrant boat, complete with, dark-skinned, life-jacketed migrant figures, on top of an Ulster Loyalist bonfire in Co Tyrone, while it has caused cries of ‘disgusting and vile’ from some quarters, has also seen its makers reach the short list for the prestigious Eichmann Award, given for Europe’s most intolerant…

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA A LEADING ECONOMIST has advised the Victorian Government to make sure mushroom murderer Erin Patterson works in the kitchen of her prison to help with the state’s fiscal woes. “It could help significantly lower the prison budget for food, thereby saving the state considerable amounts of money,” says Dick Dyat of the *MAGA-inspired…

KYIV THE UKRAINIAN ARMY has used Russian interest in Wimbledon fortnight to counter attack in several areas of the front in eastern Ukraine. “The Russians were distracted by the tennis and the huge number of celebrities of all categories watching, and have been caught with their strawberries and cream on the spoon, so to speak,”…

TRUTH CORRESPONDENT THE MUCH-COVETED Josef Goebbels Award for contributions to balanced news may well go to America’s CBS News’ 60 Minutes program for its controversial and costly, but highly coiffured and mercilessly edited, interview with Presidential hopeful Kamala Harris during last year’s US election. CBS has had to fork out $16 million to President Trump,…

HOLLYWOOD DONALD TRUMP PLANS to deport foreign actors who perform in three or more major films that bomb at the box office, according to a White House source. “We are trying to save Hollywood from Woke,” said a staffer. “The state of the film industry is awful. Foreign actors are taking our jobs, and then…

KURSK UKRAINIAN SOURCES HAVE reported that the whole of the Russian army fighting in their country has stopped fighting to watch Wimbledon. “This is nothing new for the Ruskis,” said an information officer. “They’ve done it before. Indeed, any major sporting event and they just down tools. Soccer is the big distraction. Whenever Manchester United…