MANHATTAN DONALD TRUMP MAY offer to pay Denmark for Greenland with beads, cloth and trinkets, according to White House sources. “Look, the President’s a New Yorker, and New Yorkers are all familiar with the story of how Manhattan was purchased by the Dutch,” said a spokesman. “So he kinda feels that he shouldn’t pay much…

NEW YORK SITTING IN HIS Manhattan cell, Nicolas Maduro has a target on his back. And somewhere out there is an assassin trying to hit it. “Like that character, Anton Chigur, in Cormac McCarthy’s No Country For Old Men,” says DEA Agent, Doug. “They’ll send a real son of a bitch for this guy. Or…

SAN FRANCISCO DRUG ADDICTS ACROSS the United States say they have noticed a spike in street prices of cocaine since the abduction of Nicola Maduro at the weekend. “It’s had an effect,” said Hunter, who did not want to give his surname. “I guess there’s been some hoarding in anticipation of various supply routes being…

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA CIA SOURCES HAVE told the Kookaburra Bugle that agents disguised as nerdy left-wing students, delivered a large wooden horse to Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro’s private compound in the weeks before his arrest. “It was marked ‘Not To Be Opened Till 6th of January’,” the agency explained. “We called it Delta and it came…

BEIJING TO THOSE WHO insist that Donald Trump’s seizure of Nicolas Maduro and his wife was illegal, the US President’s supporters say that they are guided by the precedent of China’s attempt to stop the British trafficking opium into the Middle Kingdom during the 19th Century. “The Chinese lost to the 19th Century British narco-state,”…

COPENHAGEN DANISH INTELLIGENCE SOURCES say that the United States already has a plan to “kidnap” Greenland’s leading polar bear, and that President Trump will decide on the issue once he has watched a few more David Attenborough documentaries. “Trump likes to do his research, and he adores animal programs” said a Danish intelligence officer, who…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A FRESH STUDY from the Objective Foundation, a think tank that explores human advancement, has concluded that body shape now outperforms minds in financial success, sometimes by several multiples. “Women with large breasts and the right curves, and men with large endowments and a toned physique make far more money now than college…

CARACAS AN ORIGINAL PLAN, to leave a severed horse’s head in the bed of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro while he slept, was cancelled because the climate in the southern Caribbean presented too many difficulties, according to American military sources. “Yeah, there was also a plan to leave a bullet-proof vest behind with two dead fish…

FROM OUR TRIVIA STAFF AMERICAN LAW ENFORCEMENT officers are alleging that Nicolas Maduro’s wife asked her husband if they had turned off the oven as they were being flown out of their capital and on to a US aircraft carrier. “I’m sure I heard her say that,” a DEA agent insisted. “Or something like it.…

CARTAGENA SEVERAL SOUTH AMERICAN drug cartels have sent their profound thanks to President Donald Trump for taking one of their main competitors out of the narcotics trade. “We sincerely appreciate Donald Trump’s actions in removing Nicolas Maduro from our business,” a cartel hit man announced. “It opens up so much opportunity for us in Venezuela.…