LOS ANGELES THE DEMISE OF one-time superstar Lab Teak is being held out as a cautionary tale of Hollywood in decline, according to commentators. Teak, whose own disintegration began the same day he became an overnight success playing a defrocked Pope turned private detective in the seminal American TV series, Dick Holiness, is reported to…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A WORLD-FAMOUS conspiracy theorist says that an intact Roman pot found north of Ireland’s capital, Dublin, was full of spaghetti bolognese which can only mean that Rome conquered Ireland. “Whenever a Roman army conquered, it feasted on spaghetti bolognese,” says Josef Da Fuq whose latest work Why Everything You Think You Know About…

KYIV A WORLD-WIDE poll suggests that people are more familiar with the strange goings on at the very edge of space and time than they are with the current situation in the Ukraine war. “Fifty five per cent of those surveyed were convinced the Ukraine war was over,” says Ultan Gallap of Cop On, a…

FROM OUR OBESITY EDITOR, FATS PHLEGM-DAGG A NEW STUDY has discovered that people who voted for Donald Trump were more likely to lose weight than those who voted Democrat. Weight A Minute, a survey carried out by the Lipo Institute, a think tank that calculates the relationship between weight and politics, examined the waistlines of…

BIGOTRY DESK THREE HUNDRED OF Ulster’s ultra-protestant churches have joined in condemning the election of the new Pope in Rome, condemning him as the Anti-Christ and wishing him a long reign as Supreme Pontiff of the Roman Catholic Church. “As long as there is a Pope in Rome, we are validated, and Protestant Ulster will…

ROME THOSE FISHERMAN’S SHOES always appear to fit the most appropriate feet. The new Pope almost seems like a return of serve to the AI photograph of Donald Trump on the Papal throne, which the President called a joke. The world’s cardinals appear to have sent the same message to MAGA as they did to…

ROME CLIMATE ACTIVISTS around the world have condemned the Vatican for its continued use of fossil fuels in the election of new popes. “It’s frankly disgraceful that each vote for an new Pontiff results in the burning of paper and so much poisonous carbon dioxide being sent into the atmosphere,” insisted Harridan Whinge, of Climb…

CANBERRA “IT’S A STRANGE omen, usually the kangaroo named after the winning leader hops forward like they’ve been bitten on the balls by an eastern brown snake. But this time “Albo”, he started hopping backwards. Even fell over a possum when he did. Bizarre.” Baz Auger, whose kangaroos have predicted every Australian election since the…

SPAIN THE COLLAPSE OF the entire Iberian electricity supply is being blamed on a little old British woman who turned off the table-top windmills at her Costa Del Sol villa running when she was forced to leave Spain after Brexit, according to sources in Madrid. “Spain now relies so heavily on frog belches and badger…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THE GOOD OLD days when a California divorce – or even three – was the biggest threat to celebrity wealth, have been cast over the precipice of history in favor of the vile internet rant, which is now the quickest way to career Armageddon and financial ruin for those in the public eye.…