MADHATTER PLANS TO TRANSFORM the Big Apple into a Socialist Utopia can only be seen a successful when there is more human waste on the streets of Manhattan than on those of San Francisco, according to a left-wing philosopher who believes New York City can achieve Cambodian status within a decade. “It we freeze rents,…

FAMILY CORRESPONDENT JUSTA CHEETA “IF YOU TAKE your mistress to a public event, we will find you!” A stark warning from Ron Canded, newly-hired cameraman, working for a syndicate of high-end law firms across the United States. “I have a staff of a hundred on the books already and it’s only going to grow. We’re…

ECONOMICS DESK A NEW CURRENCY has entered American finance, the cheating CEO video. “Forget Bitcoin, forget gold, forget treasuries, the newest store of real long-term value has to be hug-shot,” says Wall Street trader Bernie Ponzi, whose original hedge fund, Vacant Lot, collapsed last year. “I’m back and I’m buying up every available video I…

DIVORCE EDITOR, ROONEY TAYLOR A MAD SCRAMBLE to get hold of videos of Cold Play and other concerts has seen thousands of US Chief Executive Officers offering enormous sums of money to secure footage of events they attended in recent decades, following the recent exposure of an affair between a senior tech executive and his…

GAZA “IT MAY WELL be the quickest way to get America to lean on Israel. Just have everyone in Gaza covert to Catholicism. You get the Vatican on your side too. It’s win win. Otherwise stray munitions are going to keep hitting civilian gatherings.” General Archibald Armchair of the London-based MI6Links strategic policy think tank,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY DIANE ABBOTT’S REMARK that Jews, and others experience racism differently to black people may have resulted in her suspension from the UK’s ruling Labour Party, but it has also led to serious confusion among the world’s black Jews. “I don’t know if people hate me more because I am black, or Jewish,” said…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A LARGE PROPORTION of the celebrities who appear at the Wimbledon Law Tennis Championships every year, do not appear to like tennis, according to a leading psychologist who has spent a decades studying the faces of the luminaries. Dr Deuce Balls, whose recent book, Game, Set And Scratch My Back, tells the history…

WASHINGTON THE AMERICAN ADMINISTRATION says there are no plans to put tariffs on the importation of spray tan to the country. A short communique reads: “As spray tan is designated an executive resource in this country, the free flow of this product will not be affected by any tariffs.”

AUSCHWITZ THE PLACING OF a mock migrant boat, complete with, dark-skinned, life-jacketed migrant figures, on top of an Ulster Loyalist bonfire in Co Tyrone, while it has caused cries of ‘disgusting and vile’ from some quarters, has also seen its makers reach the short list for the prestigious Eichmann Award, given for Europe’s most intolerant…

MELBOURNE, AUSTRALIA A LEADING ECONOMIST has advised the Victorian Government to make sure mushroom murderer Erin Patterson works in the kitchen of her prison to help with the state’s fiscal woes. “It could help significantly lower the prison budget for food, thereby saving the state considerable amounts of money,” says Dick Dyat of the *MAGA-inspired…