WASHINGTON, DC “PEOPLE ARE SEEING them everywhere: snipers!” Americans are fixated with rooftops according to a new report. And this fixation is causing a major public order problem. “Crowds and crashes, jams and delays, the whole country appears to be looking for gunmen on roofs,” says its author, Frederick Foxyte. “Ever since Donald Trump was…

TEHERAN REPORTERS IS A FEMALE IRANIAN Revolutionary Guard jackal pursuing US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump? And was she the much-talked about second shooter at Butler Pennsylvania? What has been described as a credible Iranian threat has been discovered by American intelligence sources, and was passed on to the US Secret Service, which guards The Donald.…

FROM OUR LAS VEGAS EDITOR FEDERAL INVESTIGATORS IN the United States have discovered a number of curious financial moves they suspect might be linked to the assassination attempt on the life of Donald Trump. “An hour before the shots were fired, large amounts of money were bet against Donald Trump winning the Presidency,” explained a…

BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA WITNESSES WHO CLAIM that there was another shooter at the assassination attempt on the life of Donald Trump, have been silenced. “Weirdo loner Thomas Crooks fired the shots and he was expertly neutralized by Federal snipers. The end. Sound familiar?” says Burka McDaithi, an expert in conspiracy theories. “Have we or have we…

LANGLEY, VIRGINIA “THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE Agency of the United States of America does not have people killed.” This simple sentence was the CIA’s response to suggestions that it might have had a role in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump. Supporters of the former president, originally shocked at the incident, are now asking themselves whether…

FROM BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA A TOP SECURITY expert, based in Geneva Switzerland, says that if there were other shooters in the Trump assassination attempt, they are either out of the United States or dead and buried by now. Deovde Jakyl, who advises celebrities on personal protection, says the dead man might even have been a decoy,…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN DEALEY PLAZA, DALLAS LEADING AMERICAN FIGURES who have said that violence is not part of the American political process have been referred to the history books by a historian. “Where do I start?” asked Professor Noel Fungussin, whose podcast, The Rest Is In Pieces, attracts viewing figures in the high millions.…

FROM BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA A WITNESS TO the shooting of Donald Trump says he saw the assassin climbing on to the roof and pointed it out to security who were very slow to react to the information. “Hell, he had enough time to eat a Big Mac up there before he fired,” said Brutus Casca III…

MOSCOW IN SPITE OF UKRAINIAN scorn and denials, Russians are already pointing the finger at Kyiv for the assassination attempt on Donald Trump. “This one we didn’t do,” said Yuri Gulagovich Chernoblsky, a nightclub owner in Moscow. “Know how I know? No Polonium involved. No, this has Ukraine’s fingers on the trigger. While he’s our…

WIRE SERVICES US PRESIDENT JOE Biden did not condemn the shooting of President Ronald Reagan after hearing of the attempt on Donald Trump’s life, say close aides. “We were talking in general about assassination attempts over the years, that’s all. The President remembered Ronald Reagan’s survival and John Kennedy’s death. Random seconds determine history. Remember…