WIRE SERVICES SALE OF LATTES and their multiple variations have rocketed across America following the triumphant return of Donald Trump to the White House. Coffee shops across many of the fifty states have run out of skinny lattes and are relying on *Frothaccinos with cinnamon topping to fill the gap. “I blame the Donald,” says…

OUR REPORTERS IN NORTH CAROLINA “THEY’RE CALLING IT the Trump Kick: pregnant mothers who felt a movement in their wombs before they set off to vote in the US Presidential elections. It is an extraordinary claim and we will need to see the data before confirming it. Fat chance of that. They’re gonna sit on…

WASHINGTON DC “JESUS, WE DID everything we could short of shooting Trump ourselves, and she still couldn’t win.” The left-wing journalist crying into his latte, thumped the table. “He’s mad, bad and dangerous to know, and they keep voting for him. Democracy is oversold. People are idiots. I give up. Sorry, Kamala. You know I…

WASHINGTON THE KOOKABURRA BUGLE has put its reputation on the line and called the winner of the US Presidential Election – it will be Kamala Harris … … or Donald Trump! There, courage in words. Go and vote and put the rest of us out of our misery.

NEWTOWNARDS THE VANDALIZING OF a statute of Paddington Bear in the Northern Irish town of Newtownards is being investigated as a possible hate crime, directed against Catholics and immigrants. “Well, it’s well known that Paddington is Peruvian in origin,” said a police spokesman. “That makes him definitely foreign and most probably Roman Catholic. They are…

FROM OUR MIDDLE EAST REPORTER, MUHAMMAD MOSES PALESTINIAN MILITANT GROUP Hamas is said to have launched a drone into Israel whose sole aim is the assassination of Benjamin Netanyahu. The drone, nicknamed Fox after the actor Edward Fox, who played the Jackal in the 1973 blockbuster movie, is said to be virtually autonomous, caries five…

WASHINGTON DC “THE REMAINING 10% don’t even know what day it is. But otherwise the tent cities of addicts and public defecators, they are all with Kamala. Go Democrats.” Herb Astericks, who spoke these words, is a pollster from Michigan who has conducted the first nationwide survey of America’s homeless addicts in their tent cities,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THEY TOUCHED DOWN gently in San Francisco; they left Berkeley at light speed. They were aliens from a planet hundreds of millions of light years away. They had signaled their arrival to the Pentagon. They left without saying goodbye. “We got a message later at Area 51,” said Colonel 531, a specialist in…

GAZA REPORTERS “IT WAS A BIT like the Doctor in Doctor Who, regenerating.” A captain in the Israeli Defence Forces is absolutely sure he saw another Yahwa Sinwar appear out of the dead Hamas leader’s body the same day he died. Others claim that they saw it, too. But most don’t want to talk about…

ENGLAND ENGLAND ENGLAND CAN YOU HEAR THAT? It’s the sound of the Boys of Sixty Sixty (except Geoff Hurst) turning over in their graves. The England soccer team has a German manager. And whispers are that, although there are no immediate plans to do so, some in the English Football Association are seriously considering going…