DUBLIN “SO MANY VOTES appear to have been spoiled, that media attending from across the globe have been asking who Spoiled was, and why they had never heard of them?” So says political researcher Alec Smart, who insists that the strength of the spoiled votes means that the new President, Catherine Connolly, will have her…

PARIS NEWS FROM THE French capital says that the Surete Nationale has a police officer named Jacques Clouseau on the recent Louvre robbery case. “We expect results shortly,” said his spokeswoman. “Clouseau always brings them in. He is a panther among police officers. Vive La France.”

DUBLIN THE ELECTION OF Catherine Connolly as President of Ireland has Hamas fighters jumping with excitement at the thought of being invited to the presidential residence, Aras an Uachtarain. “Connolly says we are part of the fabric of Gaza,” said a Hamas spokesman. “She is a big supporter of a Free Palestine. We expect an…

DUBLIN THE ELECTION OF Catherine Connolly as President of Ireland has led to a call for the traditional planting of a tree by visitors to the Presidential residence, Aras an Uachtarain, to be supercharged from one to one hundred trees, to help fight climate change. “President-elect Connolly is a champion of the fight against climate…

SCIENCE DESK THE RISE OF Artificial Intelligence, robots and IVF means that the role of men in the world has become increasingly redundant, says a top biologist. “Classical males, who once provided for and protected their mates and young, are everywhere being replaced by machines, and the introduction to and domination of, females in spaces…

BELFAST FORMER IRA PERSONNEL from Armagh and adjoining counties are quite sure that Barak Obama’s new presidential library, which has drawn much criticism, is actually an old British Army watch tower which they used to shoot at regularly during the Northern Ireland Troubles. “That one was in South Armagh near the border with Louth, between…

BY MAX MILLION, OUR FAILED ROYALTY CORRESPONDENT A FRESH PROPOSAL to send Britain’s Prince Andrew to establish an empire in Mexico, have been well received in London. The Prince, who is currently under a dark cloud of embarrassment in his home country due to revelations about his relationship with dead pedophile Jeffrey Epstein, would be…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THE RECENT AMAZON outage may not have been caused by hacking but instead by the interference of teenage body piercings with electronic chip signals, says a scientist. “We think the huge increase in metal being carried around in teenage body piercings is now having an effect on the smooth operation of electronics around…

SCIENCE DESK A BREAKTHROUGH in female fat research has discovered that women actually excrete much of their excess fat through speech. “This could account for the fact that women speak more than men, and expend perhaps three times as many words in any given day,” says Dr Spektra Slyt, who led the project. “Though we…

CANBERRA A TOP SECRET report, leaked to the Kookaburra Bugle, says that all that is keeping the Australian economy from sinking into recession are unsolicited phone calls from solar panel companies to distressed Aussies who have no interest in a purchase. “Most people who have installed solar panels know the real story with these things,”…