LANGLEY, VIRGINIA “THE CENTRAL INTELLIGENCE Agency of the United States of America does not have people killed.” This simple sentence was the CIA’s response to suggestions that it might have had a role in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump. Supporters of the former president, originally shocked at the incident, are now asking themselves whether…

FROM BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA A TOP SECURITY expert, based in Geneva Switzerland, says that if there were other shooters in the Trump assassination attempt, they are either out of the United States or dead and buried by now. Deovde Jakyl, who advises celebrities on personal protection, says the dead man might even have been a decoy,…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN DEALEY PLAZA, DALLAS LEADING AMERICAN FIGURES who have said that violence is not part of the American political process have been referred to the history books by a historian. “Where do I start?” asked Professor Noel Fungussin, whose podcast, The Rest Is In Pieces, attracts viewing figures in the high millions.…

FROM BUTLER, PENNSYLVANIA A WITNESS TO the shooting of Donald Trump says he saw the assassin climbing on to the roof and pointed it out to security who were very slow to react to the information. “Hell, he had enough time to eat a Big Mac up there before he fired,” said Brutus Casca III…

MOSCOW IN SPITE OF UKRAINIAN scorn and denials, Russians are already pointing the finger at Kyiv for the assassination attempt on Donald Trump. “This one we didn’t do,” said Yuri Gulagovich Chernoblsky, a nightclub owner in Moscow. “Know how I know? No Polonium involved. No, this has Ukraine’s fingers on the trigger. While he’s our…

WIRE SERVICES US PRESIDENT JOE Biden did not condemn the shooting of President Ronald Reagan after hearing of the attempt on Donald Trump’s life, say close aides. “We were talking in general about assassination attempts over the years, that’s all. The President remembered Ronald Reagan’s survival and John Kennedy’s death. Random seconds determine history. Remember…

FROM SANS FEELAN SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA DEMOCRATS ACROSS THE United States are said to be terrified that post-shooting television interviews with Trump supporters after the attempt to assassinate him, will give a misleading impression that his fan base is quite ordinary America and not a foaming at the mouth Neo-Nazi, Fascist lunatic fringe. “I mean,…

PENNSYLVANIA 65000 HOLLYWOOD MOGULS ARE said to be already bidding on a script treatment about the attempted assassination of Donald Trump. Provisionally titled The Day of the Heckler (& Koch), it will, we understand, have a love angle to satisfy female demands. The only star not being mentioned for the role of The Donald, is…

BY BURKA MCDAITHI, OUR CONSPIRACIES EDITOR EMERITUS THE CLAIM THAT there was a second gunman involved in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump has the former President’s supporters shouting conspiracy to the four corners of America. Secret Service agents killed one man said to be involved in the murder attempt but witnesses are now saying…

BY OUR ASSASINS EDITOR HARVEY LEE WALDOS THE SHOOTER WHO shot Donald Trump and killed at least one member of his audience in Pennsylvania, has be neutralized by the US Secret Service, and cannot now say anything about the incident.