BY OUR MARKET GARDEN TEAM WHEN A LETTUCE OUTLASTED former UK Prime Minister Liz Truss, a secret Downing Street team faced with a large number of sitting MPs saying they would not stand in the next election, decided that it would recruit the vegetables to stand as candidates in their stead. Except the vegetables refused…

OBITUARY SIR ANTHONY O’REILLY (1936-2024): BANKRUPT!

BY OUR GESTURE POLITICS CORRESPONDENT, KEVIN STREET The following is a statement from the IRA: “DEAR SIMON HARRIS, better late than never. We used to consider you a sniveling little West Brit desperate for anything to distract from your Government’s abject failures, but your recognition of the State of Palestine has gained our respect. As…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT ROBERT MAXWELL ISRAEL’S RUTHLESS INTELLIGENCE service, Mossad, insists that a recent interest in the travel habits of Irish Prime Minister Simon Harris, is merely a concern for the Taoiseach’s safety after his recognition of a Palestinian state, and nothing more. “Support Hamas’s aims, support Hamas,” said an intelligence officer. “Support Hamas, support…

WESTMINSTER THE COINCIDENCE OF calls for the resignation of Sir Jeffrey Donaldson from the Westminster Parliament, and the sudden announcement of a UK General Election by Prime Minister Rishi Sunak, is just that, according to the Tory spin doctor who says he arranged for Sunak to make his election announcement in the rain to show…

KYIV US SECRETARY OF STATE Antony Blinken’s guitar performance in Ukraine is doing exactly what was expected by Kyiv military chiefs, as Russian troops advancing towards Kharkiv have been seen running away holding their ears. “We learned this from Russian torturers, who played Abba twenty-four hours a day to break prisoners,” said a Ukrainian psy-ops…

DUBLIN THE CLOSURE OF the Dublin to New York Portal has taken a new turn with the news that a Dublin man, who lost his testicles while performing a lewd act at the connection, has been told that his genitals were found next to the Big Apple’s Flatiron Building. Patrick Patrick, a street performance artist…

RAFAH, GAZA AN INTERNATIONAL university-based human rights group says that the overwhelming Israeli attack on Gaza in recent months has caused so much damage that there are now not enough roofs left from which Islamic fundamentalists could throw homosexuals to their deaths should the need arise. Holocaust-Schmolocaust, a left-wing think tank that monitors what it…

MOSCOW THE RETURN OF many of those who fled Russia when Vladimir Putin invaded Ukraine is being seen by his supporters as an endorsement of Moscow’s strongman as his army continues to inch forward in the Donbass and his economy shows remarkable resilience. “These chickens flew the coop when they thought all was lost for…

BIRMINGHAM A RIDICULOUSLY LOW turnout of 28.6% in the Greater Manchester, and 29.8% in the West Midlands, mayoral elections, in England, has commentators asking how low does voter turnout need to be before an election is declared unsafe. “Over 70% of voters didn’t bother to engage, these are not mandates, they’re boycotts,” argues political scientist…