BY OUR EVANGELISM STAFF THE RISE and rise of the English atheist is a YouTube phenomenon which has not gone unnoticed among advertisers. “They’re beginning to sprout like mushrooms,” says Josef Galloper, an advertising guru who researches online trends using artificial intelligence. “Indeed, like mushrooms, they appear to be exact replicas of one another.” Galloper…

BY FREDDY BARBAROSSA OUR IF-YOU-LIVE-LONG-ENOUGH EDITOR DECADES AFTER IT was forced out of Lithuania, the German Army is being welcomed back. The two countries have reached agreement to base German soldiers there as a bulwark against the perceived threat from Vladimir Putin’s Russia next door. “It’s just like the old days,” remarked former Einsatzgruppe police…

FROM A TUNNEL BENEATH A HOSPITAL UNDER A SCHOOL SITTING BELOW A MATERNITY WARD A DRAFT text message found by Israeli troops in Gaza shows Hamas fighters had established a lottery prize for who among them could guess how long it would take for what they term “Foolish Wokers” in the West to call for…

BY OUR FINANCIAL STAFF “BASICALLY YOU HAVE to win your war inside the time-frame of the average streaming service series season or the West just gives up. Fail to do that and Western promises aren’t worth the oxygen they cost to make. Shit, they aren’t even worth an Argentine peso.” The words of a former…

A BENCH, MARTIN PLACE, SYDNEY AUSTRALIA’S GROWING POPULATION of homeless beggars, sometimes referred to as the End Nation, is up in arms over long-term plans to make the country cashless. “What the fuck am I to do, carry a card reader?” said Bruce, a divorced ex-serviceman, who found himself homeless and then addicted to drugs…

THE KREMLIN, MOSCOW, RUSSIA NEWS FROM MOSCOW suggests that President Vladimir Putin, long a fan of extra-long tables, has recently begun to order smaller furniture for his Kremlin headquarters. “He hasn’t done away with the huge tables,” says a western analyst, “but he’s confident enough of his position now to sit at shorter distances from…

BY IAN JEFF WRIGHT, CONSTITUTIONAL CORRESPONDENT ANY NEW IRISH Constitution will have to have a Unionist Veto, say Irish Government sources. “Look it’s traditional anyway,” said a cabinet advisor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These people have been a privileged elite since they arrived. They’re going to expect it to continue in any United Ireland.…

BY RON ENCRYPT, BANKRUPTCY CORRESPONDENT “DUDE, NO ONE looks for profit now. It’s all about growth. You just keep growing the business and the share price will follow the growth: and that’s where the money is. Profit is yesterday’s honey.” Sam Rentfree-Hype, who is serving fifteen life sentences for fraud, spoke to us from his…

BY OUR PREMIER LEAGUE STAFF “THEY’VE HAD MORE defeats than England have had in penalty shootouts.” Harsh words from Harry Headerblockhed, football pundit and one-time chief scout of Doggerbank Rovers, who won the English First Division in the 19th Century before plunging to non-league obscurity after the Second World War. And the centenarian Geordie was…

FROM A JET GOING SOMEWHERE OVERSEAS THE GRINDING SOUND of knives being sharpened is beginning to drift through the corridors of power in Canberra. “It’s the quiet that gives the game away,” says political analyst Bruce Bluey. “Prime Ministers never need fear noise from their more ambitious colleagues, it’s the silence that’s damning. And Albo’s…