ROME, ITALY THE SIGHT OF Kanye West’s new partner, Bianca Censori, wearing a skin-tone body suit has added billions to the Italian summer tourist take, according to new figures. And now the authorities in Rome fear the architect will change into normal clobber and end the much-need cash boost for the struggling Mediterranean country. “It’s…

FROM CANADA “IT APPEARS that Canada has achieved what we failed to. Utter insanity backed up by reason.” Brother Number 5069, who was responsible for three re-education camps in Cambodia during the 1970s, and now runs a chain of hamburger restaurants in Chicago, says that if he’d known this was how Canada was run, he’d…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN THE TRENCHES “WELL, IF HE’S here he comes ready for action; no need for training or practice.” The Ukrainian Brigade commander who spoke these words could hardly conceal his excitement. The battle for the village of Robotyne has been an epic struggle over the past three months. The Ukrainians have thrown…

WASHINGTON, DC IMAGINE EVERY BABY in the United States of America being seeded with controlling thoughts before they are born. “It’s done in the womb,” claims a whistle-blower who says he was involved in the project from 1962 until he retired to the Arizona desert. “Under the cover of a scan. Mothers don’t even know…

FROM BELFAST SENIOR NEW IRA leaders were shocked to find how many of their own volunteers’ personal details were contained within the recent leak of officers’ personal details from the Police Service of Northern Ireland. “It looks like more New IRA personnel are employed by the PSNI than are available to continue any war in…

FROM STRATFORD-UPON-AVON “HE’S FRAMED, there’s no doubt about it. To expose his inner treason, the witches hex him into believing he killed Duncan, who remember, is never actually seen dead in the play. Nor is Lady Macbeth either. Smacks of a Mission:Impossible episode, I’d say. Don’t you see? Shakespeare, always a secret Catholic, is trying…

FROM BELFAST “THEY VOTED PARTITION IN, they enforced it, they have always secretly supported it. Northern Ireland is their victory. So they should cough up for the damn stone.” So say Sinn Fein supporters, who insist that Irish Government party Fine Gael, whose predecessors founded the 26-county Irish Free State in 1922, leaving the six…

MOON BASE ALPHA “THE WAR HAS moved into space. The last open flank. And this was the first shot.” The chilling words of an American soldier, part of a secret space program, are the first in a terse explanation of how NATO has built a secret moon base, and now sources weapons from alien cultures…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY AN ARCHAEOLOGIST WHO specializes in Hittite studies says that Republican front runner Donald Trump shares his name (if spelled backwards) with an ancient demon so evil that only the dead were permitted to speak its name. “Pmurt (actually pronounced Murt as the P is silent in ancient Hittite) Dlanod (Again, this would be…

(KRILL HEAVE HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) BY JACK KOOSTOW, MARINE REPORTER “JUST MAKE IT CLEAN.” That was the last request of a whale who has apparently made an informed choice to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the planet. According to Dr Oliver Meanspout, a biologist who has spent his life deciphering whale song,…