SCIENCE DESK NEW EVIDENCE FROM the James Webb Space Telescope suggests that the universe may be older than we first thought. “Or our models are all wrong,” says Dr Armstrong Spock, a world-renowned cosmologist . “We’re discovering galaxies that appear to pre-date the Big Bang; so either the Big Bang Theory as we know it…

FROM OUR DIY EDITOR “TOOLS HELP A man build. And they never leave you.” Bronko Hacksaw, a tool shop owner in Illinois tries to explain why he has swapped pursuing women for making things with high-end tools. Mr Hacksaw is a thirty-five-year-old whose wife left him two years ago and took his house and his…

BY OUR GLOBAL WARMING WRITERS MARS NEEDS CARBON DIOXIDE to have a livable atmosphere. Earth needs to get rid of its excess carbon dioxide to prevent runaway global warming. One scientist says that the meeting of these two needs is a once in a millennium opportunity. Take Earth’s excess Carbon Dioxide and dump it on…

FROM DONBASS REPORTERS UKRAINIAN SNIPERS could now hit Vladimir Putin while he urinates in the Kremlin, says an expert after a Ukrainian marks-woman allegedly killed a Russian soldier over a distance of more than 800 kilometres last week. “It’s a revolution in marksmanship,” insists “Kalibre”, an Azov Brigade officer who has been involved in training…

FROM SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA REMEMBER WHEN CULTS were all the rage? When every anniversary had a doomsday prophet and his pathetic followers following it? Charles Manson, David Koresh, The Prisoner? So what happened? “It’s Woke, isn’t?” according to Rachel, who was previously known as Number 2 in a small Palo Alto church that worshiped Steve Jobs…

THE CURRAGH, IRELAND THE IRA BET all the ransom money paid for the 1981 kidnap release of recently deceased Dublin businessman Ben Dunne, against the champion racehorse Shergar, and lost the lot, according to an IRA informer now living in Home Counties England. “That’s why Shergar was kidnapped, it was to try and get our…

BY KIRK MCCOY, SCIENCE REPORTER A SCIENTIST WHO describes himself as very clever says the reason there are no visitors from the future is that there is no future. “I don’t mean that the earth is going to be wiped out any time soon, I mean the concept of future we hold to it all…

CONSPIRACY THEORY DESK AMERICA’S FOUR GREAT Twentieth Century wars were all joined under Democratic presidents. Could there be a single reason for this? “World War 1, World War 2, the Korean War and the Vietnam War were all entered by the US on the watch of Democrats,” according to John Lee-Wilkes, a documentary film maker…

GAZA ISRAEL’S MUCH-VAUNTED intelligence service, Mossad, says that Israeli troops in Gaza have found plans for a Hamas tunnel going all the way to the east coast of the United States. “This super-tunnel, probably financed by Iran, presents a clear and present danger to the United States of America,” says right-wing lobbyist Jenkis Caan, who…

FROM LONDON IT IF WAS JUST A PLOY to cover up his sacking of his rogue Home Secretary, then Rishi Sunak’s appointment of former Prime Minister David Cameron as Foreign Secretary worked a treat. If it’s a serious move to shore up his wretched administration, then the recruitment of the man who called the 2016…