FROM OUR ROOFING EDITOR, ARTHUR INFIDEL PLANS TO RECONSTRUCT the Gaza Strip may see all new buildings reduced to bungalow height to prevent homosexuals being casually executed by being hurled off roofs. “We can’t guarantee that being thrown off a bungalow roof won’t lead to death but it’s far safer than a high rise, and…

LONDON BRITISH INTELLIGENCE AGENCY MI6 is in turmoil after the recent revelation that the data system carrying its information was owned and controlled by the Chinese. “Forget about highly secret intelligence information, most of that is useless rubbish,” said a former spy,” they could have our bloody drinks bill. This is catastrophic! I told them…

FROM GORDION KNOT, SOLUTIONS EDITOR IN A SCHEME inspired by Franklin Roosevelt’s great gold confiscation of the 1930s, the US Administration has been presented with a plan to seize all the wedding rings in the country and sell the gold to pay down the national debt. “There are millions and millions of wedding rings out…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY INFAMY, INFAMY, THEY’VE all got it in for the Taliban. But who are they? Donald Trump wants Kabul’s Bagram Air Base back. Pakistan doesn’t want the Taliban cosying up to India. Even Iran has a beef with its Afghani neighbors over the control of water. Carry on up the Khyber. And up yours!

LATIN REPORTERS DEFEATED PALESTINIAN MILITANT group Hamas may be required to endure a form of classical humiliation by passing under a yoke, according to sources close to the American administration. “The President is a great fan of the Romans,” says a White House insider, “and in particular, Julius Caesar, and loves nothing better than to…

HISTORY EDITOR, DR DERMOT ANGRYMAN THE MUSTACHE WORN by Irish revolutionary hero Michael Collins, while he was in London for negotiations which led to an independent Irish state, has been found in a Dublin suburban attic. “Collins likely wore the mustache to disguise himself in case the talks broke down and he had to go…

SAN FRANCISCO WORD THAT THE United States Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency (I.C.E) was in town has caused thousands of drugs addicts to gather at detention sites for illegal immigrants in the belief that they could score methamphetamine for free. “We’re up to our necks in dope heads and addicts,” said one ICE agent. “The…

WASHINGTON AN INTERCEPTED MESSAGE from a Chinese agent sent home from her Federal job because of the current US Government shut down, reveals that America is thriving in the absence of its Federal staff. The agent, whose code name is Whu U, it appears, was planted deep within the US Government structure, and tasked with…

CANBERRA RECENT FIGURES ON mental health problems in Australia, suggest that a country which began as a prison, inhabited by the toughest of the tough, has developed into a giant mental health institution. “We appear to have gone from brutal penal colony to funny farm in the space of two hundred odd years,”‘ says Professor…

LONDON THE UK IS currently making thousands of copies of old Christmas Messages from Queen Elizabeth II to her subjects, in the hope that a recent discovery of their effect on Russian drones will help turn the tide of the war in Ukraine. An English volunteer who had decorated his trench with photographs of the…