FROM A TENT CITY IN SAN FRANCISCO IT TOOK OFF with a gold rush. It could end in a rush to the exit. “Some of California resembles a refugee camp,” says Diane Amnestee of street charity What the Fuck’s Happening? “You know there’s a growing problem of illegal Americans crossing into Mexico, looking for a…

BY DEFENCE EDITOR LEON PASTERNAK IT MIGHT sound like the plot of a thriller – Russian mercenaries being bought by Western Intelligence and joining a spectacular thrust across far-eastern Ukraine to Rostov-On-Don, to cut the entire Russian presence in Ukraine off from its home base and supplies. “That was the idea,” says an unnamed NATO…

FROM MILWALL, ENGLAND “HE’S A GOOD SAINT, NOT A GREAT SAINT.” These are God’s words. Confirmed by several divine sources who do not wish to be named. They come in direct contradiction to the great Irish Soccer pundit Eamon Dunphy’s claim in the Irish Mirror, that he was not a saint. “Brave move,” said a…

ATLANTIC OCEAN CORRESPONDENTS RUSSIAN SOURCES say that President Vladimir Putin has bought Wagner mercenary boss Yevgeny Prigozhin a ticket for a submersible trip to the Titanic. “Hey, the man deserves it,” a Russian Defence Ministry spokesman said. “It’s $250,000 well spent,” said a Kremlin insider. “We were lucky, they can just squeeze him in,” said…

FROM DARKEST BELARUS RUMORS ARE CIRCULATING in Moscow that Vladimir Putin is has approached hard-man British TV star Ross Kemp to take command of the Wagner mercenaries following the group’s abortive march on the Russian capital. “Coup, my arse,” said a Kremlin insider. “This was industrial action. Remember, you get further with a kind word…

FROM ROSTOV-ON-DON THE ABORTIVE coup launched by the Wagner Private Military Company was sparked by revelations of undeclared payments to RTE superstar Ryan Tubridy, according to mercenary sources. A simmering dispute between the Kremlin and Wagner over pay and conditions blew up into full-scale rebellion for a while when the mercenaries found out that Tubridy…

FROM A VERY SMALL SLIGHTLY LIBERATED HAMLET IN SOUTHERN UKRAINE DESPITE PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY’S recent stirring rhetoric, news of a tactical pause in the Great Ukrainian Offensive has caused experts to fear that much of the unprecedented success enjoyed so far by Ukraine will be undermined, and the Russian army allowed to escape complete destruction…

FROM OUR RUNE READING CORRESPONDENT, IN NEWGRANGE, CO MEATH, IRELAND “HE’S DITCHED THE Fenians and come over to us. It’s quite apparent. Our No Surrender has forced his surrender.” Davy Paedo, a former international ballet dancer and one-time bare-knuckle boxing champion, who is also a minister in the Free Church of Fierce Condemnation, added that…

BY HARVEY WALL-BANGER, NATO MILITARY TACTICS EDITOR “NONE OF OUR plans anticipated the Russians actually fighting back, dude!” The American captain attached to NATO’s unofficial presence in Kyiv – supposedly an LGBTQIA+ Opera Company performing a gender fluid Madam Butterfly – bowed his head towards his fifth beer and swore. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Even old…

BY OUR DUBLIN CORRESPONDENT A THIRD PARTY may be on the verge of entering the Ukraine conflict. Ireland is said to be in the process of laying claim to much of modern Ukraine based on the Scythian roots of the Celtic island’s population. “If we follow, say, something like the Israeli claim to the ancient…