FROM MILAN, ITALY AN ITALIAN CLINIC specializing in chemical diets has reported that a patient who overdosed on some of the clinic’s special diet pills, disappeared while two nurses were trying to pump his stomach. Signor Grasso (not his real name), an American with a fried chicken habit, was allegedly so overweight that he had…

FROM OUR FINANCE EDITOR WESTERN GOVERNMENTS struggling with inflation and high interest rates, have come up with a radical plan to raise more revenue by taxing people who use plural pronouns to describe themselves as just that, plurals. “It’s usual to tax individuals, even as couples, but as these trans people have suggested that they…

FROM OUR TEENAGE ADDICTION EDITOR, IN CYBERSPACE IT’S ALWAYS been the holy grail of teen-focused internet sites: that they speak to teenagers in their own unique tongue. This is even more the case with Artificial Intelligence, which seeks not only to communicate with teens but to imitate them to such an extent that the difference…

SCIENCE DESK AN EXPERIMENT conducted by students of the Attic Institute, a Holocaust research centre based in Tel Aviv, Israel, has found that the speeches of Adolf Hitler, played in public places, at a very low frequency, which is hardly audible to humans, produced a curious reaction in Germany: many people involuntarily came to attention.…

LONDON DESK/WIRE SERVICES “I FOUGHT IT WERE an English Republic movement, till I was given an ‘and grenade and told I hahu learn Irish. You cudda knocked me down wiv a feafher.” Nick, who did not wish to give his surname, is from Peckham in South London. He has been anti-monarchy all his life. Then…

FROM MIKE HOARE, MERCENARY CORRESPONDENT, IN KINSHASA IN A SUDDEN CHANGE of operational direction, Ukraine has begun to launch attacks on Russian troop concentrations across North and Central Africa, and the Middle East. Particularly targeted is PMC Wagner, which has mercenary forces in countries like Syria, Chad, Libya, Sudan, Central African Republic, Cameroon, Congo and…

MEDIA DESK READERS OF the Irish Times, a newspaper so heavy with its own profundity that it demands a back brace just to sit in front of it, say they have noticed the paper has become less boring recently and are wondering if it is down to the AI program which is said to have…

FOREIGN EDITOR’S ASSISTANT COFFEE MAKER AS IF planning for war with China and Russia simultaneously were not challenge enough for him, newly beefed up Irish Foreign Minister Micheal Martin has indicated to the Irish Parliament that there appears to be an ongoing Russian plot to destabilize the current Fine Gael/Fianna Fail-led Dublin Government, using –…

NATURE DESK IN A WORLD FIRST, a woman who lived with pond life for twenty five years has laid tadpole eggs. The woman, who lives in the Orinoco rain forest, was apparently abandoned by her parents soon after birth. “Okay, actually the family were from New York and on a bucket list trip when they…

BY YURI ZHIVAGO, FAR EASTERN EDITOR IN AN ACT of what it says is “unprecedented neighborliness”, the People’s Republic of China has indicated that should things go bad in Ukraine for Russia, and should President Putin’s regime struggle to keep order in the world’s largest country because of any setback, Beijing will step in and…