“THE SUN IS MERELY BREAKING WIND,” SAYS EXPERT

WIRE SERVICES AND STAFF REPORTERS

STRANGE HOLES which have opened in the sun in recent days, and have caused observers to speculate that an alien civilization is living in the centre of our nearest star, are nothing but solar farts, says a NASA spokeswoman who wishes to remain anonymous.

“They’re colder areas of the star and they release solar winds. People who say they have seen massive craft enter the sun are seeing an optical illusion caused by the sun’s magnetism. They really should not be looking directly at the sun. It’s not good for them.

“You could fit about a million Earths inside the sun. It’s pretty big. We study it constantly. These holes are 20 to 30 Earths in size. If there were an alien civilization living there, whose space ships needed that kind of frontage to enter the sun, I think we might have noticed by now.”

“Well she would say that,” says Oliver Nurd of the United States of Eternity, a group dedicated to contacting alien civilizations. “All I have to say back is Roswell. Roswell. Roswell.”