SOUTH DUBLIN

LOYALIST PARAMILITARIES, WHO claim to have exploded bombs in Dublin and other places in the Irish Republic during the Troubles, to forestall a United Ireland, now say that any future Unity arrangement, if it is to work, would have to allow supporters of Irish Government party Fine Gael and readers of the Irish Times newspapers keep their British identity.

In a detailed statement, the Leading Orange Ulster Defenders (LOUD), an umbrella group for Loyalist paramilitaries and football hooligan gangs, insists that while remaining in the United Kingdom is their wish, it would be imprudent, given the demographic tide towards the Irish Nationalist persuasion, not to make provision for at least the possibility of a future United Ireland.

“It is the ne plus ultra of our demands that those with a British identity be allowed maintain it in any future unified state. And while we up here in Ulster will have little difficulty in doing so – and exploiting it for tourism – we fear that our British brothers and sisters in the current Irish Republic – Irish Times folk and Fine Gael’s support base in South Dublin, will find it difficult when the cause to which they have devoted their lives, ceases to have any currency. We would invite them up here to Ulster but they’re such a bunch of woke lefties that we probably couldn’t stand the sight of them for too long if that did happen. Give us a Northern Fenian any day over that. Anyway, if the Fenians do triumph, and there is a United Ireland, then they can live with the southern Brits as a punishment. And good luck.”