ROME

THE SWISS GUARD are on full alert. The Pope is watching out for Delta Force snatch squads disguised as parties of nuns, and hundreds of Catholic priests are taking lessons in how to conduct drone operations, just in case the United States decides to launch a full-scale operation to change the regime in Vatican, according to European intelligence sources.

“Pope Leo, an American himself, has been vocal in his implied criticisms of the Trump Administration,” says Professor Diego Marrone, a Papal scholar. “This despite the fact that Vice President Vance and Secretary of State Rubio are both members of the faithful. Whispers of the Holy Father being declared a clear and present danger are doing the rounds in Pennsylvania Avenue and the Pentagon. The President has already said he thinks the Pope is endangering his own flock with some of his comments on the Iran war. And The Donald being a real estate Moghul, he will of course have a secret admiration for for all that beautiful Roman architecture and its art. I mean if he can’t have Greenland, then the Vatican might be a decent alternative.”