WASHINGTON, DC

THE ANNOUNCEMENT BY United States Secretary of War, Pete Hegseth, that mass killer Major Nidal Malik Hasan’s execution by firing squad will be live-streamed, has led to a suggestion that Federal executions in the United States could be used to pay off the country’s huge national debt.

“The Bond Market is very excited,” says Jack Ketch, a Wall Street fund manager who sells war futures and death options. “If they do live-stream this guy’s execution, and, crucially, if they charge for viewing, it will leave open the possibility that live-streams of all Federal executions from here on could be sold to the viewing public around the world, rather like prize fights and wrestling and Ultimate Fighting contests. These things are real earners.”

Major Hasan, a US Army psychiatrist, inspired by Islamic fundamentalism, murdered 13 people at Fort Hood army base in 2009. He was paralyzed in the incident and is wheelchair bound.

“This is Roman Colosseum stuff,” Ketch added. “I can see the President and his cabinet standing there, the President turning his thumb down to give the order for the firing squad to fire; maybe the War Secretary being the one striding forth to deliver a coup de grace with a .44 Magnum. ‘Are you feelin’ lucky, punk? Trump U Akbar.’ Who would not pay to watch that? Forget tariffs, this is the future revenue stream that will put our finances back in balance and bring those damned bond rates down. We just need a lot more Federal death row prisoners. But I’m sure they’ll solve that.”