SPORTS DESK AMERICA HAS PUT out a call for anyone with clay pigeon shooting experience to volunteer themselves for duty in the Persian Gulf as a line of defence against Iranian drones. “Shotguns are terrifically useful against drones, as has been demonstrated in Ukraine, so we figure that lining the Arabian coast with thousands of…

FROM BOB GLOW, NUCLEAR REPORTER “THEY ARE HIDING the stuff up their asses!” This is part of an email sent by a Mossad agent in Iran to headquarters in Israel. The message continues: “They have lead-lined tubes, where the put the uranium, and then they shove it up the asses of selected volunteers ready, willing…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A SOPHISTICATED DRONE, that disables the vacuum system controlling ships’ toilets, has succeeded in crippling the USS Gerald R. Ford, a giant American super carrier, according to Iranian sources. “They cannot relieve themselves properly,” said the source. “Imagine thousands of sailors having to go to the toilet over the edge of an aircraft…

GLASGOW INABILITY TO PROCESS cooking oils due to a lack of petroleum-derived chemicals, may mean that the Deep-Fried Mars Bar becomes a collateral victim of the Iran War, and see the world slide slowly into a depression as a result, says a panel of doctors. “If these chemicals are denied to the fried foods industry,…

RAPIDITY OF ASSASSINATIONS MEANS NEGOTIATIONS INTERRUPTED REGULARLY AND HAVE TO START FROM SCRATCH EACH TIME; SMILING BANNED TEHRAN THE CONTINUOUS ASSASSINATIONS of leadership figures in Iran means that talks, between the Islamic Republic and its American counterpart, keep having to be halted to allow Tehran’s negotiators take fresh instructions from whoever is leading them at…

FROM AHAB ISHMAEL, OUR WHALING CORRESPONDENT AUSTRALIA COULD BE rescued from an oil catastrophe by the reintroduction of whaling, according to a secret government report. The report, so sensitive that it carries an Ultra Secret stamp on it, suggests the return of whaling to take the pressure off the uncertainty of current oil supplies due…

MEDIA EDITOR JOE LEFTY THE SIGHT OF Australian Broadcasting Corporation journalists using their programs to advertise their personal pay claim, has led to calls for the Australian national broadcaster to achieve the call for secure, safe and sustainable jobs by employing more solar panels and windmills. “So much of what it broadcasts is as repetitive…

ROME UH, OH, IS America on the verge of losing another war because the enemy just won’t give up? Market-calming surrender claims, followed by threats to re-run the opening of the movie, Gladiator, are stumbling over apparent refusals by Iran to concede to its own pleas for peace. “This war is essentially a siege,” insists…

LONDON FRESH EVIDENCE THAT Anglo-Saxon monarch Harold Godwinson made his way to the Battle of Hastings mainly by sea, has sparked a new theory that his loss at that crucial encounter with William the Conqueror may have been due to his army being seasick. Harold had earlier marched north to deal with an earlier invasion,…

SYDNEY A SECRET PLAN, for New South Wales to confiscate fuel from vehicles passing through the state on their way to other states, has been proposed by energy experts. The plan would involve New South Wales targeting vehicles with out of state registrations, then stopping them and syphoning off a certain portion of their fuel…