FROM CHARLIE LUCKY, ORGANISED CRIME CORRESPONDENT THE LEGENDARY FIVE families of New York’s Italian Mafia are thought to be considering moving their business out of the Big Apple in the face of Mayor Zohran Mamdani’s socialist plans for the city. A secret meeting of the Commission, the governing body of the La Cosa Nostra, the…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A UNIVERSITY STUDY has found that the number of crime novels now in existence has passed the number of crimes committed in any one year in the Western World. “There are actually more crime novels than laboratory rats, which has been the case for decades, but only recently has the number of crime…

BUDAPEST FURIOUS HATERS OF defeated Hungarian Prime Minister Viktor Orban are pointing to his gracious acceptance of his country’s election result as a clear indication that he is a brutal phobic dictator, toppled by a brave rebellion among the very people who had previously kept him in office for sixteen years. “The Hungarian people have…

CANBERRA A SECRET PLAN to sell of the nation’s roof racks to pay for fuel shipments is being considered by the Australian Government, according to insiders. In a new advertising blitz, the Albanese administration will be asking Australians to take their roof racks off to save petrol and diesel. But this is said to be…

SAIGON AS TALKS BETWEEN the United States and Iran stumble along, it is understood that the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Corps is buying up millions of palm trees and other greenery from around the world just in case the negotiations fail. “The idea is to transform Iran into something like Vietnam, at least in places, so…

ISHFAHAN THE SUPERCHARGED RESCUE mission to recover a downed American airman recently, has revealed a curious fact about the current conflict between the US and Iran: the Americans may have more military bases in Iran than the Iranians do. “Most of these bases are likely temporary: set up, used and then discarded once a task…

BERLIN “IT MAY NEVER happen, but we should be prepared in case it does. And pray that it doesn’t.” Dr Fergus Gloom, reader in American Aggression Studies, was addressing a conference on current European attitudes to the United States when he was asked if he could envisage a time in which Europe might find itself…

CANBERRA AN ARMY OF Australian travelers is being recruited, in secret, to wander around various countries in Asia, siphoning fuel from any and every vehicle they can, to help with any future serious petrol and diesel shortages back home. The plan, which is code-named Sucks, will involve teams of Aussies, young and old, roaming the…

FROM COLONEL COLONEL, OUR WEIRD WEAPONS EDITOR AMERICA IS SAID to have a missile so devastating that it has been nicknamed ‘The Donald’ by experts, such is the chaos and confusion it leaves behind when it hits a target. Officially christened the Doolally, the missile can affect people at a distance of thousands of kilometres…

WASHINGTON, DC BOOK FANS AROUND the world are super excited at the prospect of a new work by President Donald Trump, following his profane and hyperbolic outbursts against Iran in recent days. “The Art of the Squeal is expected to outline the key role bat shit crazy word blitzes can play in war; and the…