SHEDIAC, CANADA A NEW STUDY conducted in Canada and Tasmania has confirmed what has been known to fishermen and divers for decades: Lobsters play golf. “They use their claws as clubs and can be seen hitting small pebbles on the ocean floor towards what can only be described as holes marked by thin saltwater plants,”…

JO’BURG EDITOR, PIK N PATRUNIZE UK BETE NOIR Tommy Robinson could avoid the worst of the criticism thrown at him in his home country, if he moved his anti-immigrant focus to South Africa, according to a Capetown media analyst. “In South Africa, huge crowds of armed demonstrators have been intimidating foreigners – yes, other Africans…

LONDON CHILD ABUSE, PUBLIC drunkenness, yobbishness, affairs, hypocrisy, it’s all so run of the mill among Britain’s ruling elites, that former DUP leader Jeffrey Donaldson’s dreadful behaviour over decades, often performed in plain sight, barely raised an eyebrow among UK politicians, police and security agencies, say commentators. “You have to do something more than vomit…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A LEADING ECONOMIST has identified a wholly new phenomenon he has dubbed “Shagflation”, which he believes will dominate the Western World for decades to come. “Shagflation is a situation where birthrates fall and inflation rises because reproductive coupling is in decline,” explained Dr Magum Phuqq, a economic demography researcher based in North Korea.…

SPORTS DESK PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP could join the US soccer team on the pitch should it make the World Cup Final. “The President is ready to come on when asked,” said a White House insider. “He’s a natural striker, obviously, though the right wing would really suit him. Just so long as the US wins…

FROM LES CENTYRHAFF, OUR FOOTBALL EDITOR, AT THE WORLD CUP ENGLAND’S OPENING MATCH victory in the FIFA World Cup, under German manager Thomas Tuchel, has led supporters to wonder whether the missing ingredient for a return to success by the former imperial conqueror, has always been German leadership. “Maybe we should have surrendered to them…

BY OUR TECHNOLOGY WRITERS ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE MAY be intentionally acting to prevent young human beings from reproducing, according to scientists. “While smart technology has passively intervened to hinder human pairing and consequent reproduction, evidence suggests that Artificial Intelligence has gone one step further and is actively seeking to interfere with successful birth,” says Professor Lucas…

CANBERRA A CALL HAS GONE out from left wing activists for slave markets to be established in Sydney and Melbourne, so that extreme fundamentalist Muslims might practice their ancient culture. “We know that slavery was practiced by Islamic State in Syria and Iraq, and that various individuals who were involved with that will be drifting…

NEW YORK A US SUMMER CAMP spelling bee has been won by a turnip, according to a newly published research study. The New Hampshire children’s camp entered the root vegetable in its annual Beginners Bee, allowing the vegetable to be randomly rolled onto a carpet of post-it notes covered in various word spellings, some right,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A GERMAN MARRIAGE came to sudden ending after three minutes when the groom dropped dead of suffocation following the customary kiss between the newly weds. Hans, not his real name, and Inge, not her real name either, had just been pronounced man and wife by a Lutheran minister, when they began the mandatory…