“WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO HIM?” CRIED FANS AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT SPOKE TO THEM AFTER HIS COURT APPEARANCE IN NEW YORK. VARIOUS SERVICES FANATICAL supporters of former President Donald Trump are convinced he has been “got at” after he appeared to confess to a crime that is not on the statute books in any…

BY USEA PENCIL IN SYDNEY AUSTRALIAN TEENAGERS who regularly abuse their parents by text message are failing in basic grammar and spelling. A new pilot program aims to remedy that. “It’s a nightmare,” says Abigail Swot of Queensland’s Lucretia Borgia College for Young Ladies. “The abuse is spectacular but the composition is terrible. We aim…

BY SIMPSON JUICE LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER MANHATTAN’S RESTAURANTS AND BARS are abuzz with rumours that world famous human rights lawyer Amal Clooney is to join Donald Trump’s legal team. “Ah, Christ, this is the dream team taking shape,” said Tommy Salerno, a long time Trump supporter. “You read her website? ‘Brilliant legal mind’, ‘fantastically innovative’…

BY XI JINPING CHINESE AFFAIRS EDITOR CLAIMS THAT Chinese submarine was sighted off the sleepy New South Wales coastal town of Coffs Harbour, have been dismissed by Australian Defence sources. “Rough weather, high seas; Bruce takes his missus for an ocean root and suddenly there’s a Chinese periscope off the coast,” said a Canberra spokesman.…

FORMER PRESIDENT WAS PLAYING GOLF WHEN ARREST AND COURT APPEARANCE SHOWN, SAY SUPPORTERS WIRE SERVICES “MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN,” they chanted in their thousands, at a secret red state location, a huge photograph of Donald Trump’s face carved into Mount Rushmore dominating the event. They were there following news of Donald Trump’s indictment. “It’s all…

EXCLUSIVE FROM HILLORI KLYNTUN IN NEW YORK BEHIND the scenes of Donald Trump’s indictment, the Bugle has learned that the former President’s hair and tan have been in private negotiations with prosecution lawyers for months. “These meetings have taken place in an Italian barber shop in Brooklyn, to avoid the public gaze,” says an on-the-lam…

BY P. BOULLE FUTURE PREDICTIONS REPORTER “IT’S INCONTROVERTIBLE, as more and more cretins have more and more children, and less and less high intellects have any children at all, the American population is doomed to a state of infantile stupidity by 2100.” So says Rupert Hardright, a professor of Eugenics at Online University The Idi…

“THE SUN IS MERELY BREAKING WIND,” SAYS EXPERT WIRE SERVICES AND STAFF REPORTERS STRANGE HOLES which have opened in the sun in recent days, and have caused observers to speculate that an alien civilization is living in the centre of our nearest star, are nothing but solar farts, says a NASA spokeswoman who wishes to…

FOREIGN DESK “IF BAKHMUT is going to fall to the Russians, then all the Ukrainians need to do is rename the city and then transfer the name Bakhmut somewhere else,” commented a US State Department official in Kyiv yesterday. “Result: Bakhmut has not fallen. And if the next town looks like falling, they do it…

BY EQUALITY EDITOR ANGELA WHYNE THE #METOO MOVEMENT has been condemned by a leading LGBTQIA+ advocacy group for being stuck in a “rigid male-female gender cage”. “It’s tragic,” says Helga Spike of FLUID, which champions non-binary gender issues. “#METOO is founded in a stale and backward male-female dynamic which does nothing to further the rights…