WASTE MANAGEMENT CONSULTANT PLANS TO reboot classic 1970s TV series “The Streets of San Francisco” have had to be shelved due to the thousands of shit piles which litter the eponymous streets. “These fucking turd islands all even have names,” says producer Max Tax. “You can go on city tours of the damn things. “Can…

SCIENCE DESK AN INTERNATIONAL committee established to inquire into declining birth rates across the world has reported that human beings are losing their looks. Thirty years of research across millions of individuals, using computers and facial recognition technology came to the conclusion that human females in particular are less glamorous than their ancestors. “Men have…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THE fourteen Challenger tanks Britain is providing for the defence of Ukraine are to be collectively named “The Boys of 66” while the individual tanks will each be named for a member of the England World Cup winning squad of 1966. England beat West Germany 4-2 in extra time to take the trophy.…

Wire Services BREXITEERS ARE BLAMING huge traffic jams outside the English port of Dover on immigrants driving free cars they have received from the British Government to France, to sell at a profit. “They then come back to Britain, get another free car and do the same bloody thing,” claims Oswald Mosley of the extreme…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY CONSPIRACY THEORISTS from around the globe will meet at a secret location. The delegates will not know each other’s identities. They will break up into small groups and no group will allow any other group know what it is discussing. When the delegates depart all trace of the conference will be erased.

TECHNICAL DESK DOCTORS ACROSS AUSTRALIA have been reporting a strange phenomenon: teenagers with what appears to be a third ear. “It’s a little growth on the bone below the right ear usually, though some have been found below the left,” says Dr Aural Kanal. “It’s got a cartilage rim, and the bone itself can vibrate.…

FROM OUR FOREIGN DESK HAVING identified Russia’s weak link – its soldiers’ love of alcohol, NATO has begun supplying “vodka drones” – small cheap drones laden with bottles of vodka – to Kyiv, to be sent to Russian soldiers fighting on the front line in eastern Ukraine. “It’s a game changer,” says a NATO insider.…

WASHINGTON, CANADA IN A DISTURBING DEVELOPMENT, a new study has found that 99% of America’s teenagers cannot point out their own country on a map. Indeed, only 58% of respondents could properly name their own country. And even those who could point out the United States could hardly ever put a finger on its borders.…

LONDON, ENGLAND IN THE RUSH to prove Brexit a triumph, it has emerged that the British Government has inadvertently signed a free trade deal with itself. The deal was about to be announced when the mistake was noticed. “It appears that two arms of His Majesty’s Government were negotiating with each other without realizing it,”…

by Puss E. Gee Social Editor SOCIAL MEDIA is on fire with news that a new incurable strain of venereal disease turns promiscuous women a very bright red colour when contracted. It’s a real concern,” commented Orla Languish of the women’s rights group Treatment. “Women are again paying the price for male lust. Girls are…