BY MARK GROUPING IN BELFAST FEARS AMONG Northern Ireland’s Unionists, that their beloved Northern Ireland Centenary Stone, soon to be erected at Stormont, had perhaps been the victim of an IRA attack, proved premature, when officials pointed out that the stone’s resemblance to a piece of human skull with a large bullet wound in it…

BY RANDAL HOWLING IN BELFAST, EUROPEAN UNION THE “POST-BREXIT WONDERFUL NEW UK”, hailed by Belfast Newsletter editor Ben Lowry, has been held up at Larne in Northern Ireland, as Brexit prevents it getting through customs and into Britain as it’s a European Union import without the proper stamp of approval from London. “Crazy though it…

FROM OUR WAR CRIMES CORRESPONDENT, HARRY MORANT, IN NUREMBERG “WE CANNOT thank them enough for their contribution to our cause. Frankly, we couldn’t have achieved victory without them.” That’s the message from Taliban leaders in Kabul to the Australian SAS. “We were in real trouble in 2001, when we were driven out of power. But…

FROM FRANK CURLING-MANSPLAIN IN LONDON THE SAVAGE IN-FIGHTING taking place around ITV’s This Morning program has led Ukraine’s Government to offer lucrative contracts to current and former British morning television stars, to teach Ukrainian troops preparing for their big push this summer how to fight dirty. “President Zelenskyy, himself a former television icon, has been…

FROM DAVID CARRADINE IN HONG KONG MOVE OVER Xi Jinping, and make way for the Fist of Fury. because a secret poll taken among China’s billions reveals that, while they’re okay with the current regime, and not overly concerned by the Marx, Lenin, Mao arguments, deep down in their not so atheistic souls, your average…

FROM MARK POLO IN BEIJING CHINESE PRESIDENT Xi Jinping is under significant pressure to rename the People’s Republic of China “The Old People’s Republic of China” given the demographic black hole the country is entering. By 2100, the population of the Middle Kingdom will have fallen to less than half of what it is now,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “GET OUT OF MARKETING NOW!” So says Professor Gavin Doodly-Munchausen of the Pointless Life Pursuits Institute, a European Union philosophy think tank, based in Lourdes, France. The institute has recently conducted a large study of human pursuits across the European Union, and beyond, and ranked them with respect to philosophical principles laid down…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY IT WAS A WOOPS moment at Ukrainian Headquarters. A junior officer charged with preparing the final draft of the beleaguered nation’s much-publicized plan for a crushing counter-attack against its Russian invaders, to be spearheaded by German Leopard tanks, noticed that the date specified for the offensive, 22 June, was the same as that…

FROM K. PHILBY IN MOSCOW AND G. BURGESS IN CAMBRIDGE AND SALISBURY, ENGLAND YOU CAN ALMOST hear the wheels of escalation grinding forward: Russia has declared that British public officials are now legitimate targets in its war with Ukraine. The Russian statement, from former president Demitry Medvedev, was in reply to British Foreign Minister James…

DEFENCE WRITER, PERCIVAL WINTER, MAJOR GENERAL RTD RECENT DRONE strikes against Moscow have caused some NATO leaders to pause and draw breath with respect to the conflict in Ukraine. Up until now, the alliance’s politicians, and even some of their military thinkers, had believed that NATO might supply Ukraine with weapons and keep a tight…