BY FIN DE MONATTACHE, BREXIT REPORTER IT WAS A BITTER BREAK-UP; and one would think irreconcilable. However, secret European Union documents, obtained by the Kookaburra Bugle in Brussels, appear to contemplate a way back for the United Kingdom into the political and trading bloc. “Shocking, peut etre,” says Alphonse Gustav Ignacio Paco Helmut Von Der…

“YOU’VE GOTTA GIVE IT TO THEM, THEY SEEM TO KNOW HOW TO KEEP ORDER,” SAYS LAW AND ORDER ADVOCATE BY VARIOUS BEIJING WIRE SERVICES THE RECENT HULLABALOO about secret Chinese police stations operating in Australia, and other countries, has taken an unexpected turn. Fresh figures on crime show that in the areas the Chinese established…

SOUTH AMERICAN NEWS SERVICE A GERMAN DIPLOMAT’S call for a single European Army has received support from the Amazonian jungle. Hauptsturmfuhrer Martin Schicklgruber, now 103, and living at the Fourth Reich Guesthouse somewhere in Brazil, says he has supported a single European army all his life. “We were on the way to building one in…

OUR SCIENCE EDITOR EVER THOUGHT your good advice to your teenager was going to waste? It is. “The teenage brain sees everything it does not agree with as an act of aggression,” says Professor Albert Adult, an expert in adolescent behavior. “It cannot differentiate between good and bad advice and it is incapable of responding…

4.4 MILLION AUSTRALIANS (18%) ARE NOW DISABLED; N.D.I.S. SUPPORTS OVER 500,000; CANBERRA CONCERNED (SORT OF) IT’S THE NATIONAL CRISIS that dare not speak its name*: The extraordinary number of Australians who have fallen victim to disability since the roll-out of the National Disability Insurance Scheme. If the figures are correct, nearly one in five of…

BY OUR TOXIC MASCULINITY EDITOR, BITTE TWISTED MASCULINE SHAME, the latest battlefield in the ongoing culture wars, has a new champion: God! The Big G, The Most High, The Lord Omnipotent, has been recruited to the fight on behalf of shamed men. And quotes from the Bible are giving men back their dignity. “More and…

BY OUR SPECIES REPORTERS AN ENORMOUS species of butterfly, newly discovered in Papua New Guinea, has led scientists to theorize that severe weather events around the world may not all be the result of climate change. The Lepidoptera Giganticus, with a wingspan of almost three metres, has been found to cause mini-cyclones in its immediate…

BY D.B. UKREJ, CONSPIRACY EDITOR NEWS THAT AN ANONYMOUS LAWYER is now the Lee Harvey Oswald Professor of Wild Conspiracy Theories at Online University The Hoffa Institute has caused a surge in speculation around the world that it’s part of a conspiracy to cancel conspiracy theories. “It begins as comedy, and ends in tragedy,” remarked…

BY LOLA KINKS, IN ST PETERSBURG IN A DESPERATE attempt to get Russian men to man up and die for the motherland, the Russian Government produced a slick advert to get more men into its armed forced. “Apparently, the sons of Mother Russia have not been as enthusiastic as their leaders would like when it…

BY FREDERICO MEDIUMRARE, FROM KYIV DECADES AGO it might have ended in a blood bath. But today a meeting between former Provisional IRA volunteers and current S.A.S troopers ended in a brutal drinking match and an arm wrestle. The old IRA people are here schooling the Ukrainians in the finer points of assassination, car bombs,…