BELGRADE, THURSDAY NEW DATA from the privately funded New Ways of Dying Institute has confirmed what many have suspected for some time: pressing the button on your phone for customer service can seriously damage your health. The numbers of people whose deaths have been caused by waiting hours for customer service has leapt tenfold in…

OUR MEDICAL STAFF US GOVERNMENT figures now indicate that media courses are more available to its citizens than doctors. “Fat lot of fucking good that is if I have a heart attack,” remarked Harlan Lepke of the Americans for One Day More, a pressure group for people who can’t get medical care in America. “What…

FROM PHIL VISHY, OUR UNITED KINGDOM CORRESPONDENT, IN DUBLIN A NEW POLL suggests that the 1998 Good Friday Agreement is quickly becoming an article of religious faith for many Irish people. “It’s grown well beyond an international agreement,” says Dr Noel Lemming, a university lecturer who specializes in conflict studies. “Particularly in the south among…

FROM OUR SPY INSIDE THE KREMLIN IT’S the assassin’s worst fear, the body double. Did he kill the target or someone who looks like the target? Well, according to our man inside the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has gone to extraordinary lengths to dissuade assassins, using methods which involve body doubles of body doubles, as well…

BY DARWIN DAWKINS FROM EAST AFRICA IF YOUR teenagers drive you to utter despair, then it is all the fault of evolution. So says Dr Magnus Tantrum of the East African Centre for the Study of Human Progress, based in Kenya. “We have studied societies dating back to the dawn of humanity, and they all…

FROM OUR JERUSALEM CORRESPONDENT ARCHAEOLOGISTS digging in Jerusalem, near the spot where the house used for Jesus’ Last Supper is believed to have stood, say they think they may have discovered a small piece of the meal’s menu, inside fossilized donkey droppings. The tiny pieces of papyrus, which are barely legible, appear to contain a…

“WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO HIM?” CRIED FANS AS THE FORMER PRESIDENT SPOKE TO THEM AFTER HIS COURT APPEARANCE IN NEW YORK. VARIOUS SERVICES FANATICAL supporters of former President Donald Trump are convinced he has been “got at” after he appeared to confess to a crime that is not on the statute books in any…

BY USEA PENCIL IN SYDNEY AUSTRALIAN TEENAGERS who regularly abuse their parents by text message are failing in basic grammar and spelling. A new pilot program aims to remedy that. “It’s a nightmare,” says Abigail Swot of Queensland’s Lucretia Borgia College for Young Ladies. “The abuse is spectacular but the composition is terrible. We aim…

BY SIMPSON JUICE LEGAL AFFAIRS REPORTER MANHATTAN’S RESTAURANTS AND BARS are abuzz with rumours that world famous human rights lawyer Amal Clooney is to join Donald Trump’s legal team. “Ah, Christ, this is the dream team taking shape,” said Tommy Salerno, a long time Trump supporter. “You read her website? ‘Brilliant legal mind’, ‘fantastically innovative’…

BY XI JINPING CHINESE AFFAIRS EDITOR CLAIMS THAT Chinese submarine was sighted off the sleepy New South Wales coastal town of Coffs Harbour, have been dismissed by Australian Defence sources. “Rough weather, high seas; Bruce takes his missus for an ocean root and suddenly there’s a Chinese periscope off the coast,” said a Canberra spokesman.…