BELGRADE, THURSDAY CONSPIRACY THEORISTS from around the globe will meet at a secret location. The delegates will not know each other’s identities. They will break up into small groups and no group will allow any other group know what it is discussing. When the delegates depart all trace of the conference will be erased.

TECHNICAL DESK DOCTORS ACROSS AUSTRALIA have been reporting a strange phenomenon: teenagers with what appears to be a third ear. “It’s a little growth on the bone below the right ear usually, though some have been found below the left,” says Dr Aural Kanal. “It’s got a cartilage rim, and the bone itself can vibrate.…

FROM OUR FOREIGN DESK HAVING identified Russia’s weak link – its soldiers’ love of alcohol, NATO has begun supplying “vodka drones” – small cheap drones laden with bottles of vodka – to Kyiv, to be sent to Russian soldiers fighting on the front line in eastern Ukraine. “It’s a game changer,” says a NATO insider.…

WASHINGTON, CANADA IN A DISTURBING DEVELOPMENT, a new study has found that 99% of America’s teenagers cannot point out their own country on a map. Indeed, only 58% of respondents could properly name their own country. And even those who could point out the United States could hardly ever put a finger on its borders.…

LONDON, ENGLAND IN THE RUSH to prove Brexit a triumph, it has emerged that the British Government has inadvertently signed a free trade deal with itself. The deal was about to be announced when the mistake was noticed. “It appears that two arms of His Majesty’s Government were negotiating with each other without realizing it,”…

by Puss E. Gee Social Editor SOCIAL MEDIA is on fire with news that a new incurable strain of venereal disease turns promiscuous women a very bright red colour when contracted. It’s a real concern,” commented Orla Languish of the women’s rights group Treatment. “Women are again paying the price for male lust. Girls are…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY – A SMARTPHONE VIDEO OF senior European Union politicians and officials celebrating the final departure of the United Kingdom from the union is causing some slight embarrassment, according to sources. The various leaders can be seen in a conga line, chanting “They’re gone, they’re gone, they’re gone …” and singing “Happy Days Are…

SPLIFF, CALIFORNIA COMEDIAN AND CHAT SHOW HOST BILL MAHER has been confirmed as Satan’s son. The star was outed during one of his humorous monologues towards the end of his HBO show several weeks ago. “Well, the jokes were a little lame, I felt,” said Liverworth Bicep (not his real name) of Austin, Texas, who…

BY U. AVRIL IDIOTE CLASSIC sit-com “Friends” is to be designated a serious adult drama following complaints that it is utterly offensive to modern tastes, beliefs and sensitivities. The hit comedy which focuses on the lives of six friends living in Manhattan, New York, ran for 10 years between 1994 and 2004. It has become…

by J.T. Kirk, Space Editor EXTRA TERRESTRIALS who have been living at America’s Top Secret Area 51 facility in Nevada have gone on strike in protest at rent increases for their living quarters at the base. The ETs, who have been resident at Area 51 since the 1940s, say the price of housing has far…