ROME “WHAT GENUINE MOURNER snaps a photograph of the corpse of the person they have come to pay their respects to, while the remains are lying in an open coffin? These are not mourners, they are social media ghouls. This is voyeurism of the worst kind. All these idiots want is a souvenir. They show…

FROM KIRK SPOCK, OUR REALITY EDITOR RUMORS that a hyper-intelligent artificial intelligence program being developed by the CIA has made contact with the Universe, have been denied by the White House, after dark web hackers revealed that while the Universe appeared to be intelligent, it might be suffering from a severe paranoia. “It just keeps…

BEIJING A NEW REPORT from the United States Government says that China is now producing very cheap race horses which are undermining the thoroughbred industry around the globe. “They’ve taken all we know about breeding fast horses in the West, and reproduced it for a fraction of the price,” the report concludes. “We’re expecting one…

ROME STAR OF CONCLAVE, English actor Ralph Fiennes has taken pole position in the popular imagination, to replace Pope Francis, who has died. And although Fiennes is not a priest, and has lapsed in his Catholicism, it would appear that the public believes he could play the role of pontiff if asked to do so.…

EL PASO, TEXAS SOURCES CLOSE TO the Trump Administration have indicated that imports of hair dye and fake tan will not be subject to tariffs for the foreseeable future. The news comes as Donald Trump puts pauses on various tariffs, to allow for negotiations. No obvious reason for singling out hair dye and fake tan…

SYDNEY, AUSTRALIA A PET GEKKO that picked stocks to short by scrambling about searching for its tail, has left its owner with a profit of a billion dollars after he predicted that Donald Trump would put tariffs on the exports of every country in the world. Gordon, whose tail was taken off by a cat,…

WALL STREET FAR-SIGHTED WALL Street traders are already betting on when the Trump tariff regime will come to an end. A few brave fund-managers are buying what are called Tariff Default Obligations, instruments that will pay out if the US President lifts a tariff regime from a particular country. “This is the big trade of…

BUENOS AIRES THE FALKLAND ISLANDS, over which a short war was fought between the United Kingdom and Argentina in 1982, could change their name from the English version to the Spanish version to avoid tariffs placed on the islands by US President Donald Trump. “The tariffs are on the Falkland Islands,” explained Julio Julio, an…

WASHINGTON, DC FOLLOWING HIS LIBERATION Day announcement of tariffs, supporters of Donald Trump have called for *April 2 to be a permanent public holiday in the USA. “This is up there with July 4,” said a MAGA enthusiast. “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all tariffs are created equal, and endowed by The…

BLARNEY CASTLE, CO CORK, OIRLAND A NEW REPORT from Washington says that President Donald Trump is planning to put a 50% tariff on Irish Blarney. The American President is said to have identified a huge gap in the exchange of pleasant and charming conversation between his fellow countrymen and people coming from Ireland. The gap…