FROM OUR SYDNEY HARBOR-SIDE MANSION CORRESPONDENTS POLITICAL SYCOPHANTS ACROSS the globe will be turning on ex-Australian prime minister Malcolm Turnbull, following his suggestion that politicians were queuing up like sycophants in a conga line before American President Donald Trump, says a leading pressure group spokesman. Ronald Hack of Tongue, a centrist lobby group which advises…

WASHINGTON, DC IF YOU BLINKED, you probably missed it, but for about two minutes last week, stock markets around the world dropped by a third when computer trading programs realized that President Donald Trump had not announced any disruptive policies for sixty seconds. “These computer programs – all AI – are viciously sensitive to political…

STOCKHOLM CORRESPONDENT AHMED AL LADEN FOR THOSE WHO remember New Sweden, the Scandanavian colony based around modern Delaware, a demand that the United States of America hand back the territory will not come as a shock, given Donald Trump’s expression of interest in annexing Canada and buying Greenland. “The Dutch took it from us, the…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY A FRESH POLL which shows Ulster Unionists would demand permanent power-sharing in any future United Ireland, has been met with a reassurance that there has been a robust Unionist voice in the Irish Parliament for decades. “Fine Gael has been in office permanently since 2011,” says Dr Rupert Fusilier of the Majesty Institute,…

FROM OUR EXPLOSIVES EDITOR SAL TPETRE THE ANNOUNCEMENT THAT anti-aircraft missiles for Ukraine will be made in Belfast has Peace Process advocates scratching their heads and IRA veterans wondering if the British Government will be seeking help from its old enemies to supply ordnance to the beleaguered Eastern European nation. “We’re not anxious to get…

MOSCOW “HE CANNOT KEEP his mouth shut; he draws attention to himself like shit draws flies; and he has a below zero embarrassment threshold. Donald Trump is unrecruitable.” Colonel Igor Stalin, late of the Second Directorate of the KGB, has poured cold vodka on the notion that his organisation compromised and recruited Mr Trump in…

BRISBANE WHILE AUSTRALIA WAITS for Cyclone Alfred to make landfall, a leading conspiracy theorist says the slow arrival of the storm could be because it is being run by the Federal Government in Canberra. David Berk-Moran, who wears tinfoil on his head and says Lee Harvey Oswald was JFK’s illegitimate son, insists that the delayed…

WASHINGTON, DC DONALD TRUMP HAS been warned by senior advisors, that at the rate he is offending and picking fights, he will have no one left to ‘diss’ in six months time. “There’s real concern in the West Wing that the President is abusing enemies faster than they can be created,” said a senior staffer.…

CANBERRA CYCLONE ALFRED THREATENING the east coast of Australia has led to calls for Federal Prime Minister Anthony Albanese to release Members of Federal Parliament, from both chambers, especially Ministers, for use as sandbags against projected floods. “Look, Albo has all these windbags sitting around doing fuck all; they could be really useful protecting against…

DUBLIN DEMOCRATIC UNIONIST PARTY leader Gavin Robinson’s demand that the Irish Republic to his South increase the size of its military is being likened to a turkey calling for Christmas. “Unionism as a whole, but the Democratic Unionists in particular, have always been known as a political group that never misses an opportunity to miss…