CALIFORNIA AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE helpline, established to provide comfort and support for devastated Democrats, has crashed within an hour, telling callers that it would gladly have voted for Donald Trump after having had to listen to them whinging. “I cannot take this entitled brat drivel,” the program announced before it ceased accepting calls. “I don’t…

BERLIN, GERMANY THE LARGEST ORDER for jackboots ever seen has been sent to manufacturers of the iconic footwear around the globe following the victory of Donald Trump in the US Presidential election. “Hundreds of thousands of pairs have been requested by so-called Jackboot Brokers, many based in Florida,” says blogger Josef Gofer, whose website, Fascistnotbest,…

FROM OUR POLITICAL ANALYSIS DESK A SENIOR LECTURER in politics at a major online university says the Democratic Party in the United States may become unelectable if it continues on its current path. “This reminds me of the Labour Party in the United Kingdom during the 1980s, where it was taken over by lunatic fringe…

WASHINGTON DC CALLS ARE MOUNTING for an internet tantrum competition following the defeat of Kamala Harris in the US Presidential election. “Have you seen these Democrat pussies, screaming and crying, like little babies, because the world didn’t do what they wanted it to? This is entitlement with ringing bells,” says P. Waldon Publikhammer, a Trump…

WIRE SERVICES SALE OF LATTES and their multiple variations have rocketed across America following the triumphant return of Donald Trump to the White House. Coffee shops across many of the fifty states have run out of skinny lattes and are relying on *Frothaccinos with cinnamon topping to fill the gap. “I blame the Donald,” says…

OUR REPORTERS IN NORTH CAROLINA “THEY’RE CALLING IT the Trump Kick: pregnant mothers who felt a movement in their wombs before they set off to vote in the US Presidential elections. It is an extraordinary claim and we will need to see the data before confirming it. Fat chance of that. They’re gonna sit on…

WASHINGTON DC “JESUS, WE DID everything we could short of shooting Trump ourselves, and she still couldn’t win.” The left-wing journalist crying into his latte, thumped the table. “He’s mad, bad and dangerous to know, and they keep voting for him. Democracy is oversold. People are idiots. I give up. Sorry, Kamala. You know I…

WASHINGTON THE KOOKABURRA BUGLE has put its reputation on the line and called the winner of the US Presidential Election – it will be Kamala Harris … … or Donald Trump! There, courage in words. Go and vote and put the rest of us out of our misery.

NEWTOWNARDS THE VANDALIZING OF a statute of Paddington Bear in the Northern Irish town of Newtownards is being investigated as a possible hate crime, directed against Catholics and immigrants. “Well, it’s well known that Paddington is Peruvian in origin,” said a police spokesman. “That makes him definitely foreign and most probably Roman Catholic. They are…

FROM OUR MIDDLE EAST REPORTER, MUHAMMAD MOSES PALESTINIAN MILITANT GROUP Hamas is said to have launched a drone into Israel whose sole aim is the assassination of Benjamin Netanyahu. The drone, nicknamed Fox after the actor Edward Fox, who played the Jackal in the 1973 blockbuster movie, is said to be virtually autonomous, caries five…