BELGRADE, THURSDAY HEZBOLLAH COUPLES ACROSS Southern Lebanon are curtailing their marital intimacy amid scuttlebutt now reaching into the most private of spaces, that vibrators sold among the cedar trees have been booby trapped by Israel. “I’m afraid it’s just regular relations, or better still abstinence, until we figure out what instruments we can trust,” said…

COMMUNICATIONS DESK “I JUST HOPE they haven’t been stolen and sold on eBay.” The Mossad officer stood looking out to sea, wiping his brow and squeezing the railings he was leaning against. “I did the original count and we’re definitely short about 500 units. I’ve been on to the manufacturer and their figures tally with…

BEIRUT PAGER OWNERS ACROSS the planet are on guard just in case Israel takes a dislike to them. And it could affect the whole pager market. The explosion of hundreds of the devices in Lebanon has left 9 members of Hezbollah dead and thousands injured. “Man, who’ll ever trust their pager again?” said Bob, a…

LONDON “THESE TALL TALES are clearly the product of Israeli Intelligence. And allegations that the paper will be published in *Farsi from next year are clearly black propaganda that can only be coming from sources close to the Netanyahu regime in Israel.” The words of a Hamas spokesman, as he furiously checked his pager, are…

SPRINGFIELD, OHIO A FAN OF US Presidential hopeful Donald Trump says that he has noticed that the number of cat videos posted in the state of Ohio has visibly declined in recent months. Felix Lynx, whose website Pushy Galore monitors cat video around the globe, says that comments by the Republican candidate about a link…

FLORIDA CONSPIRACY THEORISTS AROUND the world are screaming for recognition as they insist their speculation on the existence of a second gunman in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump has proven to be correct. “Apologize, you bastards!” yelled Dr Daithi Berk-Moron, whose podcast, Conspiracy Today, Conspiracy Tomorrow, Conspiracy Forever, has a following in the millions.…

FROM OUR PET EDITOR, RICHARD GERBIL COULD AN ILL-CONSIDERED remark about the consumption of domestic pets by immigrants be the deciding moment in the 2024 US Presidential Election? Donald Trump’s claim that Haitian migrants in Springfield, Ohio were eating dogs has led to a huge demand for dog meat on the dark web, and consequently…

WASHINGTON EVEN LONG-RANGE NATO cruise missiles are dwarfed by Russia. The much-vaunted Anglo-French Storm Shadow couldn’t even make it to Moscow if launched from Ukraine. Russia is 9,000km end to end. It can absorb thousands of missile strikes without betraying a scratch. Attacking Russia without enormous strength in numbers and firepower is like throwing stones…

Stockholm THOUSANDS OF SWEDISH trees have moved to Russia, according to a new scientific survey. Pining For Russia, which is sponsored by the European Union, says that it originally placed tracking devices on one hundred thousand trees across Scandanavia in 1991, to record the growth patterns of trees below the Arctic Circle. “These little beacons…

BELFAST THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT’S refusal to pay for the refurbishment of Casement Park in West Belfast so that it can host Euro 28 football matches, has sparked calls for the Irish Government to step in an use the thirteen billion euros it has to take from Apple in back taxes to fund the stadium revamp.…