FROM SANS FEELAN SOMEWHERE IN AMERICA DEMOCRATS ACROSS THE United States are said to be terrified that post-shooting television interviews with Trump supporters after the attempt to assassinate him, will give a misleading impression that his fan base is quite ordinary America and not a foaming at the mouth Neo-Nazi, Fascist lunatic fringe. “I mean,…

PENNSYLVANIA 65000 HOLLYWOOD MOGULS ARE said to be already bidding on a script treatment about the attempted assassination of Donald Trump. Provisionally titled The Day of the Heckler (& Koch), it will, we understand, have a love angle to satisfy female demands. The only star not being mentioned for the role of The Donald, is…

BY BURKA MCDAITHI, OUR CONSPIRACIES EDITOR EMERITUS THE CLAIM THAT there was a second gunman involved in the attempted assassination of Donald Trump has the former President’s supporters shouting conspiracy to the four corners of America. Secret Service agents killed one man said to be involved in the murder attempt but witnesses are now saying…

BY OUR ASSASINS EDITOR HARVEY LEE WALDOS THE SHOOTER WHO shot Donald Trump and killed at least one member of his audience in Pennsylvania, has be neutralized by the US Secret Service, and cannot now say anything about the incident.

PENNSYLVANIA 65000 US PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL Donald Trump was said to be fuming after a failed assassination attempt left him with a bloody ear and a messed hair. The Donald, as he is known, is said to be more concerned about his hair than the near miss of the lethal projectiles. “Blood he can spare,” said…

WIRE SERVICES CELEBRITY ATHEISM IS now so popular in England that it has more adherents than there are Anglican church-goers. “It has become the fastest growing religion in the UK, ahead of Jedi Knights, Wokeism, and, of course, Scientology,” says Theologian John D. Baptist, whose seminal work Who Needs God When We Have Celebrity? has…

FROM OUR WASHINGTON EDITOR EMERITUS SANS FEELAN US PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s continuing failure to properly name people he is referring to in speeches is part of a concerted plan to utterly confuse America’s enemies, say close aides. “Calling Vice President Harris “Vice Preside Trump” and President Zelensky President Putin may seem at first to be…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY LOYALIST ANGER IN Northern Ireland could lead to a billion-pound industry, if a proposal to establish a state of the art bonfire factory in Larne, Co Antrim, comes to fruition, according to experts. “Craigyhill’s enormous Twelfth of July bonfire has caught the eyes of people across the globe and now cities, towns and…

WASHINGTON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS MOVIE LEGEND AND Democrat donor George Clooney is being whispered about in party circles as a potential replacement for President Joe Biden in the forthcoming US Presidential election, say friends. The handsome thesbian, husband of human rights lawyer Amal, nephew of Rosemary of White Christmas fame, is said to have indicated…

FROM MOOSE TUNDRA, OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT A FORMER IRISH NUN who sought to use Canada’s assisted dying laws but changed her mind when she listened to the soundtrack from The Sound of Music, has been arrested in far north Canada, according to reports from a local wire service. Pegeen Ankletoss, originally from Offaly, had obtained…