BY D. RUG KARTEYL, FROM ALCATRAZ IT’S A SMALL bag, not much bigger than a large tobacco pouch, but they say it’s all you need to survive four years of coming Trump tyranny. Johnny (not his real name) was handing them out as he dealt meth and heroin to sundry addicts living on the streets…

MIAMI A TOP SECRET list, said to be Trump policy proposals, has been found scribbled out on a tampon and wrapped around a trans sex toy, in a school toilet in California. The toy which is believed to be capable of use in any combination of gender encounters, was covered by a tampon specifically provided…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “EVEN THE WHITE women are misogynists!” Leslee Beehen, a Kamala Harris voter, could hardly stand up as she spoke to the Kookarburra Bugle in downtown Belgrade. As she fell to her knees crying, then howling, her dungarees tore and her Doc Marten boots were scuffed. “I can never go home,” she said. “And…

WASHINGTON DC MILLIONS OF AMERICANS are being offered online courses in basic Nazi philosophy to prepare them for the presidency of Donald Trump. “It’s an introduction to Fascism,” says Adolf Gauleiter, a Trump loyalist from Mississippi. “Your standard hate creeds, your minority persecutions, how to dress the part – Hugo Boss is the yardstick –…

FELINE REPORTERS CAT FUTURES HAVE soared on the Feline Futures Exchange in Hong Kong, as sales of the furry friends shoot up across the United States in response to the election of Donald Trump. “It’s mainly Kamala Harris supporters,” says Felix Lion-Cougar, an options trader based in Haiti. “Some could be a cohort of illegal…

SOMEWHERE IN CALIFORNIA SPECIAL HELPLINE SOCIAL workers have told furious Kamala Harris supporters that there is a way to get rid of Donald Trump without leaving the comfort of their bedrooms. “Just clench those fists so tight the muscles lock, then frown and grit your teeth so determinedly that the enamel begins to come off;…

B. LEADINGOBVIOUS, ELECTIONS EDITOR IT’S COMPLICATED, BUT if you’re willing to put in the hard yards, go the extra mile, push the envelope out and think outside the box, then you can work it out – Trump beat Harris because he got more votes. Yes, it’s difficult to believe and hard to absorb, but there’s…

FROM OUR REVISIONIST DESK A RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE historian has stated that, given the vote received by Donald Trump in this year’s US Presidential election, he was probably robbed of the Presidency in 2020. Igor Zekovich Dostoyevsky, who spent five years in a Labor Camp during the 1970s, for telling a bad joke, says that the…

CALIFORNIA AN ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE helpline, established to provide comfort and support for devastated Democrats, has crashed within an hour, telling callers that it would gladly have voted for Donald Trump after having had to listen to them whinging. “I cannot take this entitled brat drivel,” the program announced before it ceased accepting calls. “I don’t…

BERLIN, GERMANY THE LARGEST ORDER for jackboots ever seen has been sent to manufacturers of the iconic footwear around the globe following the victory of Donald Trump in the US Presidential election. “Hundreds of thousands of pairs have been requested by so-called Jackboot Brokers, many based in Florida,” says blogger Josef Gofer, whose website, Fascistnotbest,…