FROM OUR SCARY DESTINATIONS EDITOR, VIKTOR DRAKUL THE IRISH GOVERNMENT is planning to scare off migrants from the UK by implementing emergency legislation which will see all future asylum seekers immediately settled in the city of Limerick. “As a twenty-four carat shit-hole, it’s hard to beat Limerick,” said an Irish Civil Servant. “Even Islamic fundamentalist…

CANBERRA STAFF ALRIGHT, HE WAS wearing a baseball cap, but the sight of the Prime Minister of the Commonwealth of Australia having to explain who he was to a crowd of women protesting against domestic violence has government party bigwigs in Canberra holding up their hands in horror. For the record, his name is Anthony…

BELFAST SIR JEFFREY DONALDSON’S bail condition, prohibiting him from contact with Under-16s, could see him unable to engage with members of the DUP, according to a leading human rights lawyer. “With the childish attitude of so many DUP members, and their tendency to tantrum when things don’t go the way they want, I’d be advising…

DUBLIN RISHI SUNAK’S new law deporting asylum seekers to Rwanda is causing some people to wonder whether it is not a sinister plot to try and achieve a hard border on the island of Ireland. The law, which was recently passed in Westminster, has seen UK asylum seekers rushing to Northern Ireland and across the…

DUBLIN, IRELAND NEW IMMIGRANTS to Ireland will have to serve two years in the country’s police force, An Garda Siochana, prior to being accepted as residents, if a new proposal comes into effect. The Guards, as the Irish police are commonly known, have seen their numbers continue to diminish over the years, so much so…

WESTMINSTER STRINGERS BRITISH MEMBERS OF Parliament are calling for a law preventing tractors under 16 years old being used in so-called Tractor Porn Videos. A cross-party parliamentary group insists its sympathies are with all the tractors being used in what they call “these vile videos”. “However, we cannot do much for tractors over sixteen years…

IBIZA WRITERS THE OLD COMPLAINT of Germans booking deckchairs by throwing their towels across them at ungodly hours of the morning will be unnecessary if a new law from Brussels gets its way: Brits at holiday resorts across Europe will only be allowed to use deckchairs if there are no EU citizens claiming them. The…

WASHINGTON DC DOORS WITH BARS, communal showers, watchtowers, armed guards and a chain gang are being discussed for the White House should Donald Trump be jailed and yet find himself President of the United States. “There’s an interesting debate as to whether a President can actually pardon himself, as a general principle,” said a Protocol…

FROM OUR EUROPEAN UNION STAFF REPORTS THAT JEFFREY Donaldson may ask a Newry court to vary his bail conditions to allow him live his wife, could see the former DUP leader and knight of the realm taking up residency in the Irish Republic if it’s accepted that both parts of Ireland are in essence the…

FROM OUR DANGEROUS ANIMALS CORRESPONDENT, P. R. EDATOR OAM A FAMILY TRAVELLING from Coffs Harbour in New South Wales to the Gold Coast in Queensland has been carjacked by a gang of angry koalas using a specially designed wildlife land bridge, according to a Sydney conservation agency. “This is really concerning, because koalas are usually…