RIOTS DESK GROUPS OF CATHOLIC and Protestant anti-migrant protesters from Northern Ireland are teaching their English equivalents the finer arts of street demonstrations and riots, using the dark web, according to police. “The Irish, they are masters at rioting, it’s in the blood, isn’t it?” said a senior officer from London’s Metropolitan Police. “Most of…

PR REPORTERS ALLEGATIONS THAT GOOD Morning Britain host Ed Balls was asked to pick up milk and bread on his way home during an interview he did with his wife Home Secretary Yvette Cooper have been dubbed fake news by insiders. A website entitled Edvertorial appeared soon after the interview, claiming that the alleged request…

TOKYO AS THE TOKYO stock market dropped over 12%, across the world investors have been screaming at Kamala Harris to laugh. Recent studies have linked the US Vice President’s laughter to optimism in financial markets. “The markets are all now looking at Ms Harris to save the world from a crash,” says JP Scam, a…

FROM OUR FINANCE WRITERS EVERY TIME US Presidential candidate Kamala Harris laughs, the Dow Jones and Nasdaq Indices rise, according to a scientist. Professor Alexander G. O. Rithim of the Negative Institute in Wyoming, studies the effects of social media events on crowd decisions. “We picked several major social media memes and watched their effects…

FROM OUR IRONY EDITOR “THE ENEMY OF my enemy is my friend.” So said Hunkpapa Ruaneck, a former UDA brigadier from Belfast, as he raised an Irish Republican Tricolor over his neighborhood. “There was a time when I would have burned this flag and all who carried it, but a common enemy has made them…

CANBERRA AUSTRALIA’S MOST SECRET spy agency has warned that the likelihood of Australia’s Labor Government doing something stupid during its remaining months in office has moved from possible to probable. The Centre for Unknown National Threats, which is so secret that none of its members know any of the others, has broken with its tradition…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY SVEN UPGOTHSCHEFDOTTIR, a Swedish stand-up comedian, has been voted the world’s dullest human being. Ms Upgothschefdottir has won the title despite heavy competition from almost two hundred competitors from around the globe. “Low-grade celebrities, poets and internet influencers put him to the test,” says Harry Antique of the show business weekly Look At…

FROM OUR REVOLUTIONS CORRESPONDENT, MAX LENIN A TOP SECRET Irish Government white paper is said to argue for the compulsory acquisition of all of Dublin’s golf courses, to build suitable housing for Ireland’s growing migrant population. The document, provisionally titled Whole In One, is so explosive that only three people have had access to it…

CANBERRA REPORTING STAFF “NO, WE DON’T know the person’s name, they haven’t been born yet! We do know they’ll have to work pretty damn hard to keep the whole country going.” Dawkins Darwin, Professor of Crisis Demographics at the University of Alice Springs had a sad smile on his face as he took questions from…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY SCIENTISTS IN CALIFORNIA claim that a living butterfly reversed its natural progression from caterpillar to winged insect when exposed to US Presidential candidate speeches for a 24-hour period. “We watched it slowly reverse its standard life pattern,” insists Professor Milo Monarch, who has spent a lifetime studying the beautiful creatures. “It was a…