PENNSYLVANIA 65000 US PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL Donald Trump was said to be fuming after a failed assassination attempt left him with a bloody ear and a messed hair. The Donald, as he is known, is said to be more concerned about his hair than the near miss of the lethal projectiles. “Blood he can spare,” said…

WIRE SERVICES CELEBRITY ATHEISM IS now so popular in England that it has more adherents than there are Anglican church-goers. “It has become the fastest growing religion in the UK, ahead of Jedi Knights, Wokeism, and, of course, Scientology,” says Theologian John D. Baptist, whose seminal work Who Needs God When We Have Celebrity? has…

FROM OUR WASHINGTON EDITOR EMERITUS SANS FEELAN US PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s continuing failure to properly name people he is referring to in speeches is part of a concerted plan to utterly confuse America’s enemies, say close aides. “Calling Vice President Harris “Vice Preside Trump” and President Zelensky President Putin may seem at first to be…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY LOYALIST ANGER IN Northern Ireland could lead to a billion-pound industry, if a proposal to establish a state of the art bonfire factory in Larne, Co Antrim, comes to fruition, according to experts. “Craigyhill’s enormous Twelfth of July bonfire has caught the eyes of people across the globe and now cities, towns and…

WASHINGTON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS MOVIE LEGEND AND Democrat donor George Clooney is being whispered about in party circles as a potential replacement for President Joe Biden in the forthcoming US Presidential election, say friends. The handsome thesbian, husband of human rights lawyer Amal, nephew of Rosemary of White Christmas fame, is said to have indicated…

FROM MOOSE TUNDRA, OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT A FORMER IRISH NUN who sought to use Canada’s assisted dying laws but changed her mind when she listened to the soundtrack from The Sound of Music, has been arrested in far north Canada, according to reports from a local wire service. Pegeen Ankletoss, originally from Offaly, had obtained…

BY OUR CRAIGYHILL OFFICE STAFF ULSTER UNIONISTS PREPARING to celebrate the Twelfth of July yet again have felt the winds of change swirling around their bombastic bonfires in the form of a new European Union study that suggests their numbers will soon be less than that of Ukrainian draft dodgers on the island of Ireland.…

FROM OUR KYIV EDITOR AN AMERICAN FEMALE mercenary flying F16s for Ukraine gave birth to twins while engaging an unidentified flying object over the Black Sea, according to a Turkish news agency report. The report from Kebabske Anatolia Headlines says that the fighter pilot was on patrol near Crimea when she was attacked by an…

FROM OUR MAN IN COLOMBO, KYLE RICHARD THE SHOCK DEFEAT of Ian Paisley Junior, has caused a momentary spike in Sri Lankan share prices as traders there anticipate a large boost to the local economy now that the sun has set on the Paisley dynasty in Northern Ireland for now. “The sun sets in one…

FROM OUR JUDGE NOT THAT THOU SHALL NOT BE JUDGED CORRESPONDENT “SURE YOU NEED to do a lot more than beat an innocent woman senseless to get jail in Limerick today.” The words of a thug with ninety seven convictions for violence offences appear to echo the recent decision of a court to impose a…