IBIZA WRITERS THE OLD COMPLAINT of Germans booking deckchairs by throwing their towels across them at ungodly hours of the morning will be unnecessary if a new law from Brussels gets its way: Brits at holiday resorts across Europe will only be allowed to use deckchairs if there are no EU citizens claiming them. The…

WASHINGTON DC DOORS WITH BARS, communal showers, watchtowers, armed guards and a chain gang are being discussed for the White House should Donald Trump be jailed and yet find himself President of the United States. “There’s an interesting debate as to whether a President can actually pardon himself, as a general principle,” said a Protocol…

FROM OUR EUROPEAN UNION STAFF REPORTS THAT JEFFREY Donaldson may ask a Newry court to vary his bail conditions to allow him live his wife, could see the former DUP leader and knight of the realm taking up residency in the Irish Republic if it’s accepted that both parts of Ireland are in essence the…

FROM OUR DANGEROUS ANIMALS CORRESPONDENT, P. R. EDATOR OAM A FAMILY TRAVELLING from Coffs Harbour in New South Wales to the Gold Coast in Queensland has been carjacked by a gang of angry koalas using a specially designed wildlife land bridge, according to a Sydney conservation agency. “This is really concerning, because koalas are usually…

BY OUR MADRID STAFF SPAIN SAYS THAT Brits who come to the country on holidays no longer have an automatic right to breathe European Union air after leaving the trading bloc, and will now face being taxed for using Iberian oxygen during their stay. “Up until Brexit, when the UK left the European Union, the…

LONDON FOLLOWING A POLICE officer’s warning a man at a Palestinian demonstration that he was breaching the peace because he was “quite openly Jewish”, the British Government insists that legislation making it a criminal offence to be openly Jewish is not in the pipeline, while terrified Jews all across Europe are said to be packing…

CAPE RACE, SUNDAY A TOP ESKIMO scientist has speculated that the real cause of the sinking of the Titanic may have been the sheer amount of fictional characters populating her when she struck the iceberg. Dr. Josie Seelkull, who specializes in quantum mathematics at the University of The Northern Lights, says that if you marry…

SYDNEY FOLLOWING THE DEVASTATING findings against him at his defamation trial against Channel 10 and Lisa Wilkinson, the wry comment by Justice Michael Lee that Bruce Lehrmann had escaped the lions den only to go back for his hat may provide a crucial point for an appeal on the basis that Justice Lee erred at…

CANBERRA THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT in Canberra is considering making the wearing of a stab-proof vest mandatory for every Australian, following two horrific knife-attack incidents in Sydney over the past three days. “Look, mental health is really a state issue – and Christ knows they’ve handled that one well. Not! – but since no one knows…

BY WILLIAM MERCHANT, FROM VENICE I AM A Jew. Hath not a Jew eyes? Hath not a Jew hands organs, dimensions, senses, affections, passions? Fed with the same food, hurt with the same weapons, subject to the same diseases, healed by the same means, warmed and cooled by the same summer and winter, as a…