BY ADOLF PUTSCH, COUP-D’ETAT WRITER SMART LEGAL MINDS have urged former, and perhaps soon to be, President Donald Trump to argue that the American establishment’s support for the revolution which overthrew a democratically elected president in Ukraine in 2014, is proof that the actions of his own supporters at the US Capitol on 6 January…

WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION DESK IT’S TAKEN OVER 18 months and some arm twisting but Washington has finally agreed to release its only Chuck Norris to Ukraine. “We have been begging them since Putin invaded,” said a Kyiv Government spokesman, “just let us have Chuck Norris and we can win this thing. I only hope…

SPACE TRAVEL WRITERS AND SATELLITE SERVICES IT APPEARS THAT Voyager I, the furthest man-made object from Earth, if you discount people kidnapped by aliens, may have detected something amazing in a galaxy far far away during its period of interstellar isolation. The hardy probe, which has been ploughing through space since the 1970s, is said…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “THE WAR HAS moved to a new battlefield – internet brides are a huge industry in that part of the world. Forget wheat, the biggest export is, and always has been, pretty girls with huge breasts.” Dating website guru Igor Trotski is no stranger to conflict. He arranged marriages between eastern European women…

BY ARCHAEOLOGY EDITOR, MONTANA SMITH JNR THE DISCOVERY of a new three hundred thousand year old humanoid skull in China has sent shock waves through the English upper classes. For centuries the English aristocracy has believed it was forged in battles like Hastings, Crecy, Agincourt and Waterloo; and honed in the strict traditions of public…

FROM ROBERTO JUNTA IN GOOSE GREEN HAVING RUN into difficulty with the optics of sending asylum seekers to Rwanda, a country with a human rights record worse than Treblinka, the British Government believed it had the perfect solution to all those pesky foreigners turning up on its shores – send them down to the South…

BY WAR AS ENTERTAINMENT CORRESPONDENT “WE’RE RUSHING TO have it ready by November, when we anticipate the various participants should be in the mood to go for each other with a vengeance. It all hangs on the length of the Great Ukrainian Counter-Offensive (GUCO) really.” So says Charles Charmlyss-Neokon, a London-based international television game show…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “POISSON FROID!” Luc Avantgarde is a man who shoots from the hip. Mostly because he is in a wheelchair following a near-death encounter with a grizzly bear in northern Canada. The French climate scientist, who predicted that the combination of hot July weather and overcrowded tourism might cause fires in southern Europe this…

CENSORSHIP EDITOR HUNDREDS OF STAFF AT SATIRICAL NEWSPAPER THE KOOKABURRA BUGLE – YOUR WAKE UP CALL GAVE THREE CHEERS WHEN THEIR SITE WAS BLOCKED BY MESSENGER FOR OFFENDING AGAINST ITS VALUES. “WE’RE OVERWORKED AND UNDERPAID HERE AT THE BUGLE, AND FRANKLY TREATED LIKE SLAVES,” SAID A UNION SPOKESPERSON. “MESSENGER HAS DONE US A GREAT FAVOR…

BY GONZO FREISPYCH, ROVING TRUTH TO POWER EDITOR “IT’S REALLY ALL OVER bar the shouting!” The words of NATO spokesperson Jan Spin-Ganda, we are told, come drenched in the blood of thousands of fleeing Russian cowards. The battlefield is now fully shaped, the drive to the Sea of Azov awaits, the smell of salt water…