BY RAUCOUS HYPE, BOOKS EDITOR EVER FELT the book you were reading did not live up to the praise that covered it? Well, a new study, by the New York bookshop, Writer’s Wrong, indicates that the quality of books published has diminished in inverse proportion to the growth in the number of literary festivals around…

FROM HOLLYWOOD AND THE AWARD for the best cheer-leading journalist covering the war in Ukraine, goes to … “That’s a tough one,” says CIA official, Hansen Aldrich, “the Western Press as a whole has put in such an extraordinary performance in support of Ukraine’s war effort, that singling out one or two journalists seems unfair.…

BY LUDICRUS HAIG IN BRUSSELS NATO planners have admitted that they may have accidentally given Ukraine’s military planners old World War One battle plans instead of an imaginative modern integrated military strategy. “Oops, sorry,” said a NATO spokesperson. “Oh fuck!” said a Ukrainian spokesperson. “I think we know,” a Russian spokesman said. “But they may…

BY J. STALIN IN KYIV WESTERN CONTEMPT for Russia’s mistaken claim to have destroyed a Ukrainian armored vehicle which turned out to be a combine harvester, has increased in the face of newly released CIA and MI6 intelligence that everything the tyrannical regime in Moscow claims to have destroyed, is in fact Ukrainian farm machinery.…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY RUSSIA HAS admitted losing scores of soldiers who have literally laughed themselves to death at the sight of Ukrainian troops playing dead like possums when caught out in the open by Russian drones and artillery. “Yeah, these poor Ukrainian fellows lie down on the ground and fake death!” a Russian commanders said. “Like…

BY JOE MCKELVEY, LIAM MELLOWS, DICK BARRETT AND RORY O’CONNOR, IN QUICKLIME, CO DUBLIN “IMAGINE THE IRA, BUT THIS TIME WITH A BADGE.” These are the sobering words of Macnas McMacnas, Professor of Very Modern Irish History at Merciful Hour College in Dublin, when responding to Belfast Telegraph journalist Sam McBride’s query as to how…

FROM KYIV USING WIRE SERVICES “THIS IS FANTASTIC NEWS!” said an old woman on the streets of the Ukrainian capital. “I have lost two sons to this war. I have always been suspicious of foreign politicians cheering us on from faraway sidelines. Perhaps he can drive one of those famous British Challenger tanks we hear…

BY U. T. TER D’ESPAIR, INSANITY CORRESPONDENT A TEACHER IN THE AMERICAN STATE OF CALIFORNIA has been ordered to apologize to her mixed class of 18-year-old students after referring to them as “little cunts” after they tipped a bucket of paint on her as a prank. She was not forced to do this because they…

FROM MICKY MURPHY, THE SPY, IN WARSAW IT USED TO BE that the British Intelligence Community was happy enough just to manipulate and control the local press from a distance, recruiting journalists, planting stories, inserting agents. Not any more. Today, MI6, Britain’s much vaunted overseas intelligence agency, its Secret Intelligence Service, has begun publishing its…

FROM POLITICAL REPORTERS IN CANBERRA A TWENTY-FIVE year old man died peacefully in his sleep last week while watching an ABC journalist interview a Federal Government Minister. The deceased began to drift off into a deep sleep, which developed into a coma and then death. His wife only realized he was dead when she began…