DIPLOMATIC EDITOR WATCHING anyone being publicly dumped is never pleasant. Watching a one-time super star getting the elbow is almost heartbreaking. Almost. Like the ugly sisters witnessing Cinderella go to the ball, Ulster Unionists and British Conservatives have thrown a united tantrum, following Joe Biden’s trip to Ireland and their sense of abandonment. ” ‘How…

MEDIA DESK AS THE GROUND hardens in Eastern Ukraine and Western Analysts declare Russia’s invasion a busted flush, the long-awaited Ukrainian counter-attack, spearheaded by 14 British, and other NATO, tanks, has sparked a furious bidding war among American streaming services for the rights to document the Ukrainian victory The streaming services have been suffering financially…

BY RICHARD TRUECOLOURS, COLONIAL EDITOR PRESIDENT JOE Biden’s visit to Ireland has been met with near hysteria in the British Tory media. A sense of desperation akin to a partner being dumped for someone older, has gripped the right-wing press in London. “He hardly looked at our Indian Prime Minister but he’s out dining with…

BY BUCKY LASTARD, ECONOMICS CORRESPONDENT There was a homeless man, living in Sydney Australia, who spent his nights sleeping rough around Martin Place in the city centre. This man, who we shall call Stan, had had a sad life. He had been in the army, where, during service in Afghanistan, he had suffered PTSD. Upon…

BY MICHAEL ROCKEFELLER, HEADHUNTER EDITOR THEY CALL HIM “The Great Porky” in their language, and they worship him. He is Boris Johnson, and they are a small tribe of headhunters resident on an island in the South Pacific. “They also refer to him as The Lord Of The Lies, a titled garnered from news reports,…

BY MAGDA MAPLETHORPE, ENTERTAINMENT DESK SPIELBERG TO DIRECT? HOLLYWOOD IS BUZZING with rumours that Tom Cruise will take the lead in a new epic about the Ukraine War. Provisionally titled I Need Ammo Not a Ride after Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s famous reply to an offer to fly him to safety following the Russian invasion…

BY MADAME DEFARGE, BREXIT CORRESPONDENT, IN LONDON, ENGLAND A CURIOUS BY-PRODUCT of the recent release of top secret American documents was a short report from the National Security Agency about the growing use of the word “Brexit” for the word “shit” around the world. It appears that the report was a distillation of intercepted phone…

BY FLETCHER PITCAIRN BLIGH, PHILOSOPHY DESK IT USED TO be that Ashkenazi Jews were, as a group, the most intelligent humans on the planet. Well not any more. Because Australian Larrikins have passed them out. In a remarkable turn of events, the Aussie Larrikin now has the highest mean IQ in the world. “It’s a…

BY AUDREY SPACEFILTER, QUANTUM MECHANICS EDITOR STAR RTE CORRESPONDENT SEAN WHELAN, who reports from Washington for his network, appears to have achieved a world first. The journalist, whose smooth honeyed tones are said to attract women and insects in equal number, is in Ireland covering the triumphant tour of American President Joe Biden. However, RTE’s…

BY SANDY SHANKHILL FROM BELFAST THE AMERICAN PRESIDENT received the traditional welcome when he stepped off Air Force One at Belfast Airport. “And I’m outta here tomorrow?” he was heard asking an aide. Unionists complained that the American President had an easier time getting to Belfast than food products from England. “He is an agent…