FROM OUR AFRICA EDITOR CECIL RHODES CALIFORNIANS WHO have grown weary of the state’s tortuous journey to egalitarian utopia are increasingly seeking refuge in Zimbabwe. “It began as a trickle, and is developing into a veritable torrent,” said April Crystal of the Close Your Eyes And You Will Be Fine Foundation in Palo Alto. “We’ve…

DEFENCE EDITOR A PLAN to bring Ukraine closer to NATO by renaming the war-torn country has backfired and had to be abandoned after it caused panic across the alliance. The idea was to add an “N” to Ukraine to signify NATO’s commitment to its defence, an eternal bond. Unfortunately, the word Nukraine sent citizens of…

STAFF REPORTERS DESPERATE dog owners everywhere will be reeling in horror at the results of a new examination of pooch brain activity over recent months. Sensors planted inside thousands of canine heads indicate that precisely when dogs appear to be most excited by the presence of their owners, when they are wagging their tails and…

TORONTO, CANADA THE use of transsexual pronouns is beginning to have an impact on communication in English, and act as a brake on economic activity and output, says a senior academic. “In the old days,” says Professor Enda Manic, an economist who studies links between languages and economic output, “English was a very flexible tool,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY NEW DATA from the privately funded New Ways of Dying Institute has confirmed what many have suspected for some time: pressing the button on your phone for customer service can seriously damage your health. The numbers of people whose deaths have been caused by waiting hours for customer service has leapt tenfold in…

OUR MEDICAL STAFF US GOVERNMENT figures now indicate that media courses are more available to its citizens than doctors. “Fat lot of fucking good that is if I have a heart attack,” remarked Harlan Lepke of the Americans for One Day More, a pressure group for people who can’t get medical care in America. “What…

FROM PHIL VISHY, OUR UNITED KINGDOM CORRESPONDENT, IN DUBLIN A NEW POLL suggests that the 1998 Good Friday Agreement is quickly becoming an article of religious faith for many Irish people. “It’s grown well beyond an international agreement,” says Dr Noel Lemming, a university lecturer who specializes in conflict studies. “Particularly in the south among…

FROM OUR SPY INSIDE THE KREMLIN IT’S the assassin’s worst fear, the body double. Did he kill the target or someone who looks like the target? Well, according to our man inside the Kremlin, Vladimir Putin has gone to extraordinary lengths to dissuade assassins, using methods which involve body doubles of body doubles, as well…

BY DARWIN DAWKINS FROM EAST AFRICA IF YOUR teenagers drive you to utter despair, then it is all the fault of evolution. So says Dr Magnus Tantrum of the East African Centre for the Study of Human Progress, based in Kenya. “We have studied societies dating back to the dawn of humanity, and they all…

FROM OUR JERUSALEM CORRESPONDENT ARCHAEOLOGISTS digging in Jerusalem, near the spot where the house used for Jesus’ Last Supper is believed to have stood, say they think they may have discovered a small piece of the meal’s menu, inside fossilized donkey droppings. The tiny pieces of papyrus, which are barely legible, appear to contain a…