CANBERRA A LEAKED REPORT from Australia’s top secret signals intelligence unit says that an artificial intelligence program using quantum computing has discovered that some of the many whales which pass the country’s east coast every year are singing in a code that easily translates into Mandarin, the main language of the People’s Republic of China.…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY MEN WITH LARGE amounts of money are more attractive to women, no matter what the look like, a new study suggests. The study, carried out by marketing agency Want Equals Need took a sample of a thousand women and introduced them to random very ordinary looking men. “We asked the women if they…

DAH PHUQ, DIPLOMACY EDITOR AS RUMORS LEAK that the United States might not have completely and utterly and totally destroyed Iran’s nuclear program, President Donald Trump is apparently resorting to his country’s most potent weapon, the F-Bomb, to bring an end to the conflict between Israel and Iran. Supporters of The Donald say that his…

MOSCOW RUSSIAN INTELLIGENCE SOURCES have confirmed that Pete “Maverick” Mitchell and Luke Skywalker were flying for the Americans during the US strikes on Iran’s nuclear facilities. “We understand that no one else but these pilots could have achieved such accurate bombing, as we have all seen them do in the movies,” said a Russian intelligence…

TEHERAN “KEEP THE ENEMY confused, and always take the opportunity to kick him in the balls when he’s down.” General Doug Dugout, of Retaliate Retaliate Retaliate, a right-wing think tank based in Pretoria, South Africa, was commenting on the news that President Donald Trump has struck Iran’s nuclear facilities, despite a two-week warning and his…

TEHERAN “IRAN CAN ABSORB a hell of a lot of punishment, and remain essentially Iran. Israel is essentially conducting a raid here. It cannot follow up bombing success with boots on the ground. It could easily wear itself out just trying to bomb everywhere it needs to bomb in Iran. It’s a very big country.…

OUR TREASONOUS DOG WRITERS THE LOSS OF one senior commander is a misfortune, the loss of two, possibly carelessness, but the loss of more than that is a sure sign treachery could be at work. The Israeli decapitation of top-line Iranian leaders is causing many in the Islamic Republic’s hierarchy, political and military, to suspect…

KYIV A SENIOR UKRAINIAN general has suggested that his country needs to attack Iran if it is to regain the attention of the West, and keep aid flowing. “The war in the Middle East has exacerbated our problems,” says an officer close to the general. “The West, NATO, they have all grown tired of our…

FROM OUR REPORTERS IN THE MIDDLE EAST NOT SINCE BENITO Mussolini attacked a broken France in June 1940, has a world leader been so desperate to grab the spoils of victory earned by the talent and sweat of another nation. Donald Trump is demanding unconditional surrender from Iran, a country with which the United States…

ANYWHERE BUT HERE CORRESPONDENTS IF EVERY CLOUD has its silver lining, then the spike in demand for private jet transport in Iran is the single bright point in what is happening in that benighted country. “Amazing what a little all-out war does for the desire to travel, particularly among the ruling class of a belligirent,”…