BELGRADE, THURSDAY A FRESH STUDY from the Objective Foundation, a think tank that explores human advancement, has concluded that body shape now outperforms minds in financial success, sometimes by several multiples. “Women with large breasts and the right curves, and men with large endowments and a toned physique make far more money now than college…

CARACAS AN ORIGINAL PLAN, to leave a severed horse’s head in the bed of Venezuelan President Nicolas Maduro while he slept, was cancelled because the climate in the southern Caribbean presented too many difficulties, according to American military sources. “Yeah, there was also a plan to leave a bullet-proof vest behind with two dead fish…

FROM OUR TRIVIA STAFF AMERICAN LAW ENFORCEMENT officers are alleging that Nicolas Maduro’s wife asked her husband if they had turned off the oven as they were being flown out of their capital and on to a US aircraft carrier. “I’m sure I heard her say that,” a DEA agent insisted. “Or something like it.…

CARTAGENA SEVERAL SOUTH AMERICAN drug cartels have sent their profound thanks to President Donald Trump for taking one of their main competitors out of the narcotics trade. “We sincerely appreciate Donald Trump’s actions in removing Nicolas Maduro from our business,” a cartel hit man announced. “It opens up so much opportunity for us in Venezuela.…

WASHINGTON DC THE UNITED STATES HAS indicated that it is not planning on toppling any more leaders, for now, unless their country has a decent supply of something essential like oil or gold or spray tan. “We don’t just take out tyrants, or crappy leaders,” said a State Department spokesperson. “Otherwise, otherwise California’s Newsom would…

LONDON, ENGLAND FEVERISH GOSSIP ABOUT a coup in Britain’s Labour Party, which would see Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer removed from power by his own colleagues, has given rise to a rumour that the plotters have actually asked Donald Trump to organize his kidnap from 10 Downing Street. “The rumour is so strong right now,…

FROM ENTERTAINMENT WRITER, ULICK ‘BOY’ WAISTBAND A TOP PSYCHIATRIST has suggested that reunion concert tours by Irish boy band Boyzone, should carry health warnings, after the group’s lead singer, Ronan Keating said that a full tour with his former mates would be ‘incredibly unhealthy’. “I don’t always find myself in agreement with Ronan Keating but…

CARACAS RUMOURS THAT AMERICAN special forces were waiting for Nicolas Maduro when he fled to his panic room have been supported by reports that he was met with the line: “Happy New Year, Motherfucker!” “US special operations is known for its super-jock culture, and details of Mr Maduro legging it to a panic room only…

DUBLIN IRELAND MAY EVENTUALLY need to either expel the US multinationals that have brought the country so much prosperity in recent decades, or ask Donald Trump to force them out, says a leading economic thinker. “Because, as the money continues to pour in from these modern gold mines, Ireland increasingly seems to be suffering from…

BEIJING CHINESE STRONG MAN Xi Xinping has alleged sent a message of thanks to President Donald Trump for showing how Taiwan might be taken. The Chinese leadership insists that it has no immediate plans to invade Taiwan, not until the various indictments are drawn up anyway. “We will probably put a trillion dollars on the…