Category: Uncategorized
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UKRAINE LEADER DISCOVERS WESTERN PROMISES WORTH LESS THAN ARGENTINE PESO
BY OUR FINANCIAL STAFF “BASICALLY YOU HAVE to win your war inside the time-frame of the average streaming service series season or the West just gives up. Fail to do that and Western promises aren’t worth the oxygen they cost to make. Shit, they aren’t even worth an Argentine peso.” The words of a former…
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AUSSIE BEGGARS RAGE AGAINST PLANS FOR CASHLESS ECONOMY
A BENCH, MARTIN PLACE, SYDNEY AUSTRALIA’S GROWING POPULATION of homeless beggars, sometimes referred to as the End Nation, is up in arms over long-term plans to make the country cashless. “What the fuck am I to do, carry a card reader?” said Bruce, a divorced ex-serviceman, who found himself homeless and then addicted to drugs…
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PUTIN ORDERS SMALLER TABLES AS RUSSIANS ADVANCE IN UKRAINE
THE KREMLIN, MOSCOW, RUSSIA NEWS FROM MOSCOW suggests that President Vladimir Putin, long a fan of extra-long tables, has recently begun to order smaller furniture for his Kremlin headquarters. “He hasn’t done away with the huge tables,” says a western analyst, “but he’s confident enough of his position now to sit at shorter distances from…
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UNIONIST VETO PROPOSED IN ANY UNITED IRELAND
BY IAN JEFF WRIGHT, CONSTITUTIONAL CORRESPONDENT ANY NEW IRISH Constitution will have to have a Unionist Veto, say Irish Government sources. “Look it’s traditional anyway,” said a cabinet advisor who wishes to remain anonymous. “These people have been a privileged elite since they arrived. They’re going to expect it to continue in any United Ireland.…
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AS PROFIT IS SIDELINED PONZI SCHEMES ARE NOW LARGEST GROWTH AREA OF AMERICAN BUSINESS
BY RON ENCRYPT, BANKRUPTCY CORRESPONDENT “DUDE, NO ONE looks for profit now. It’s all about growth. You just keep growing the business and the share price will follow the growth: and that’s where the money is. Profit is yesterday’s honey.” Sam Rentfree-Hype, who is serving fifteen life sentences for fraud, spoke to us from his…
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IF NATO WERE A SOCCER TEAM THE MANAGER AND MOST OF THE SQUAD WOULD HAVE BEEN SACKED YEARS AGO – PUNDIT
BY OUR PREMIER LEAGUE STAFF “THEY’VE HAD MORE defeats than England have had in penalty shootouts.” Harsh words from Harry Headerblockhed, football pundit and one-time chief scout of Doggerbank Rovers, who won the English First Division in the 19th Century before plunging to non-league obscurity after the Second World War. And the centenarian Geordie was…
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SOUND OF KNIVES BEING SHARPENED HAUNTS ALBANESE LEADERSHIP
FROM A JET GOING SOMEWHERE OVERSEAS THE GRINDING SOUND of knives being sharpened is beginning to drift through the corridors of power in Canberra. “It’s the quiet that gives the game away,” says political analyst Bruce Bluey. “Prime Ministers never need fear noise from their more ambitious colleagues, it’s the silence that’s damning. And Albo’s…
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ONCE EVIL, BRUTAL TALIBAN QUIETLY BECOMING WEST’S NEWEST BESTIE AS ISLAMIC STATE LAUNCHES CONTINUING ATTACKS AGAINST AFGHAN EMIRATE
FROM ANYWHERE BUT KABUL DURING THE AMERICAN campaign in Afghanistan you might have believed that there was nothing more evil, more brutal than the Taliban. Well, that was then. In the schoolyard political environment of 21st Century Earth, the even more evil and brutal Islamic State has gone on the offensive against its old Taliban…
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SEVENTY PERCENT OF EU CITIZENS WILLING TO PAY BRITAIN NOT TO REJOIN – SURVEY
FROM BRUSSELS BY ALEXANDER TURK A FRESH SURVEY of European Union citizens has found that a huge portion of the population of the bloc would actually agree to pay money to Britain to keep that country from rejoining them. “The peace and quiet without the Brits is hard to relinquish,” says Malcolm Felipe Mulhuddert, a…
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PLAN FOR AUSSIE PM ALBO TO APOLOGIZE TO ANYBODY AND EVERYBODY POSSIBLE BEFORE NEXT ELECTION
APOLOGY EDITOR AND WIRE SERVICES THE SMORGASBORD OF photo opportunities and political errors that have become the stock in trade of the Albanese government in Australia, are to be smothered in a sauce of apologies until the next election, according to Labor insiders in Canberra. “It’s a winning strategy,” says publicist Lowder Noyze. “The list…
THE KOOKABURRA BUGLE 