FROM CORLEONE, SICILY “YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR SANTINO, CARLO!” The cold words of Michael Corleone to his traitorous brother-in-law at the end of The Godfather are perhaps the most chilling in the whole movie. He kept Carlo Rizzi so close to him, buttering his ego, all the time knowing what he was going to…

FROM RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA THE OFFER IS said to be in the high mega trillions; and the prize is … London! And insider whispers say that Rishi Sunak’s Government is giving really serious thought to selling the UK’s capital city to Saudi Arabia. Sir Archibald Pumpkin-Ratarse of the right-wing Make Us Great Society is certainly…

BANDWAGON DESK FURIOUS MATILDA FANS are sure where the blame for the team’s poor showing against England and then Sweden lies – Prime Minister Anthony Albanese! “The minute he stuck his nose into the Women”s World Cup, the campaign started to go pear-shaped,” said a commentator who does not wish to be named. “Everything that…

FROM THE MAHOGANY GASPIPE SUMMER SCHOOL, WILD WEST COAST OF IRELAND “IT’S NOT REALLY THE QUALITY, it’s the quantity,” explained Christy Penile-Implant of Save Us From Irish Poetry, a human rights group founded to support people whose lives have been destroyed by Celtic verse. “No other country on earth has so many fucking poets bombarding…

SCIENCE DESK WOMEN WHO CONSTANTLY look at their rear ends in the mirror may be on to something, says Dr Verity Frekcles a body image specialist who has studied the subject for the past forty years. “Women’s bottoms reached optimum size around the 1950s and early 1960s,” she insists. “Then the mini-skirt changed everything. Before…

MARINE MYSTERIES DESK THE SHIP THAT keeps on sinking may have sunk because vast amounts of water got inside her. This is the controversial new theory of marine archaeologist Ulcerous Fin, whose great grandfather was captain of one of the ships that failed to come to the doomed liner’s rescue on the night it went…

FROM HISTORY EDITOR PROFESSOR H.E. RODOTUS IT’S THE DEAL that, for a hundred years, dared not speak its price. Kept a dark secret until now, the Kookaburra Bugle can reveal that in December 1921, Irish independence hero Michael Collins personally agreed with David Lloyd George, in a short paragraph, signed by both men, that the…

BY PIERRE EICHMANN, GOOD DEATH CORRESPONDENT CANADA’S PLANS TO extend assisted dying legislation to encompass those who suffer from mental illness have received a boost with news that the entire Nazi Program for killing the mentally ill is available to copy. “That saves us so much time and effort,” said an assisted dying advocate. “All…

FROM OUR SECRET FILES DESK THE HYPE AROUND Christopher Nolan’s new movie, Oppenheimer, which tells the story of the leader of the project to develop the first atomic bomb, J Robert Oppenheimer, has led the Secret Files Section of the FBI, known as X, to release new information which confirms that Oppenheimer was finally deprived…

BY OUR ANIMAL BEHAVIOR EDITOR, T.H.E HERD “IT’S MILLIONS OF YEARS OLD, probably as old as animal life itself,” insists biology professor Darwin Dawkey, “and the basic rhythm is essentially the same, a tortuous repetition that digs right into the male’s essence and reduces him to a quivering jelly, or, in some cases, drives him…