BY OUR MOVIE CRITIC ORSON DE MILLE AS ERIC ASHLEY-PITT “DISPERSAL” in the movie The Great Escape, the late David McCallum created such an iconic death scene that it has drawn generations of fans to German railway platforms over the decades since the classic film was released. “And for that, Deutsche Bahn (German Railways) must…

FROM OUR LINGUISTICS DESK THE AWFUL SENSE that Western countries are losing patience with the Ukrainian struggle is beginning to permeate Kyiv, as YouTube videos of the American withdrawals from Saigon and Kabul and Baghdad and Mogadishu and Phnom Penh and Tripoli become very popular clickbait for nervous citizens of the benighted eastern European country.…

FROM UP THE TOP END, AUSTRALIA AUSTRALIAN ANIMAL PERVERT Brusse Faunaluvv, who was convicted last month of having had sex with almost every creature native to his homeland, has been swallowed whole by huge crocodile in the Northern Territory while attempting an oral sex act with the creature, according to news dribbling out from the…

TEXAS “WELL, FOR PETE’S sake if he had built the damn thing in its entirety, we certainly weren’t going to knock it down. He had four years and he failed. We won World War Two in that amount of time. When he halted it, Joe Biden only wrote the epitaph for what was already a…

BY OUR IDIOCY EDITOR “IT WOULD FIT quite well into the centre of the Canadian flag,” insists Helmut (last name withheld for legal reasons) from Montreal, whose father served in the Gestapo for ten years. “The white and the red are already there. The Swastika is a natural replacement for the tired old maple leaf.…

LONDON EDITOR IN A DESPERATE ATTEMPT to shore up political support following shocking recent poll numbers, the UK Conservative Party, currently in Government, is said to be planning to send British military officers to Ukraine to try and provoke a direct attack on the UK by Vladimir Putin which they can then blame for the…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THE STANDING OVATION received by former Ukrainian SS soldier Yaroslav Hunka in the Canadian Parliament came 80 years too late for Adolf Hitler, but it’s symptomatic of a noticeable softening of attitudes to National Socialism in recent years in light of the Russian invasion of Ukraine, says a veteran historian. Professor Herod Thucydides…

FROM THE IRISH SEA BORDER BETWEEN BRITAIN AND IRELAND WHISPERS FROM WESTMINSTER say that the UK Government has agreed with the European Union, and the Irish Republic, that Northern Ireland will now be officially known as Northern Ireland Protocol following the redrawing of its economic borders after Brexit. The special treatment for Northern Ireland (the…

ENTERTAINMENT DESK ALONG WITH SNOW White and Cinderella, and, of course, the Ugly Duckling, all of which now stand condemned as perpetuating patriarchy stereotypes and the physiological, psychological and sexual abuse of women and children, Old MacDonald, he of the famous farm full of noisy animals, has now been accused of misusing the various beasts…

CRIME DESK IRISH POLICE OFFICERS have indicated that the huge cocaine haul they intercepted off their country’s south coast may have been bound for Canada. Pressed as to why they believed this, the Gardai said that they were not at liberty to reveal their reasoning but suggested that reporters read the Canadian press, and perhaps…