POLITICAL DESK “IT’S THE FUCKING KISS OF DEATH, ISN’T IT?” said a long-term supporter of Senator Katie Gallagher, “when the boss says he has full confidence in you. It means he’s hanging you out to dry. We’re all shittin’ ourselves. Katie’s our girl. Albo’s a cold bastard when he wants to be. Irish-Italian, isn’t he?…

FROM OUR SCIENCE DESK THE AUSTRALIAN PRIME MINISTER’S continuing passion for overseas travel is not without its danger for the planet, says a climate change advocate. Sven Bole-Hyper, a Swedish researcher into reindeer migration patterns in northern Lapland, has warned that the constant use of his private jet, the distances traveled and the fuel used,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY “WELL, WE were completely out of dunny roll at the time, and the Minister was aching for a dump,” said Magnus Opus, a Canberra trade specialist. “I mean there was shit all over it anyway, as for as the Poms were concerned, so we figured who’d notice some more. No, I’m not saying…

FROM HOMER SIMPSON AT THE FRONT THE SIGHT of lines of Ukrainian tanks being picked off has caused dismay in the West. So far, the Great Ukrainian Counter- Offensive – if that is what is happening – has all the appearance of the Russian offensive of February last year, in reverse. “Surely to Christ, they’re…

BY MARK GROUPING IN BELFAST FEARS AMONG Northern Ireland’s Unionists, that their beloved Northern Ireland Centenary Stone, soon to be erected at Stormont, had perhaps been the victim of an IRA attack, proved premature, when officials pointed out that the stone’s resemblance to a piece of human skull with a large bullet wound in it…

BY RANDAL HOWLING IN BELFAST, EUROPEAN UNION THE “POST-BREXIT WONDERFUL NEW UK”, hailed by Belfast Newsletter editor Ben Lowry, has been held up at Larne in Northern Ireland, as Brexit prevents it getting through customs and into Britain as it’s a European Union import without the proper stamp of approval from London. “Crazy though it…

FROM OUR WAR CRIMES CORRESPONDENT, HARRY MORANT, IN NUREMBERG “WE CANNOT thank them enough for their contribution to our cause. Frankly, we couldn’t have achieved victory without them.” That’s the message from Taliban leaders in Kabul to the Australian SAS. “We were in real trouble in 2001, when we were driven out of power. But…

FROM FRANK CURLING-MANSPLAIN IN LONDON THE SAVAGE IN-FIGHTING taking place around ITV’s This Morning program has led Ukraine’s Government to offer lucrative contracts to current and former British morning television stars, to teach Ukrainian troops preparing for their big push this summer how to fight dirty. “President Zelenskyy, himself a former television icon, has been…

FROM DAVID CARRADINE IN HONG KONG MOVE OVER Xi Jinping, and make way for the Fist of Fury. because a secret poll taken among China’s billions reveals that, while they’re okay with the current regime, and not overly concerned by the Marx, Lenin, Mao arguments, deep down in their not so atheistic souls, your average…

FROM MARK POLO IN BEIJING CHINESE PRESIDENT Xi Jinping is under significant pressure to rename the People’s Republic of China “The Old People’s Republic of China” given the demographic black hole the country is entering. By 2100, the population of the Middle Kingdom will have fallen to less than half of what it is now,…