FROM BELFAST SENIOR NEW IRA leaders were shocked to find how many of their own volunteers’ personal details were contained within the recent leak of officers’ personal details from the Police Service of Northern Ireland. “It looks like more New IRA personnel are employed by the PSNI than are available to continue any war in…

FROM STRATFORD-UPON-AVON “HE’S FRAMED, there’s no doubt about it. To expose his inner treason, the witches hex him into believing he killed Duncan, who remember, is never actually seen dead in the play. Nor is Lady Macbeth either. Smacks of a Mission:Impossible episode, I’d say. Don’t you see? Shakespeare, always a secret Catholic, is trying…

FROM BELFAST “THEY VOTED PARTITION IN, they enforced it, they have always secretly supported it. Northern Ireland is their victory. So they should cough up for the damn stone.” So say Sinn Fein supporters, who insist that Irish Government party Fine Gael, whose predecessors founded the 26-county Irish Free State in 1922, leaving the six…

MOON BASE ALPHA “THE WAR HAS moved into space. The last open flank. And this was the first shot.” The chilling words of an American soldier, part of a secret space program, are the first in a terse explanation of how NATO has built a secret moon base, and now sources weapons from alien cultures…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY AN ARCHAEOLOGIST WHO specializes in Hittite studies says that Republican front runner Donald Trump shares his name (if spelled backwards) with an ancient demon so evil that only the dead were permitted to speak its name. “Pmurt (actually pronounced Murt as the P is silent in ancient Hittite) Dlanod (Again, this would be…

(KRILL HEAVE HUGE SIGH OF RELIEF) BY JACK KOOSTOW, MARINE REPORTER “JUST MAKE IT CLEAN.” That was the last request of a whale who has apparently made an informed choice to sacrifice himself for the greater good of the planet. According to Dr Oliver Meanspout, a biologist who has spent his life deciphering whale song,…

FROM CORLEONE, SICILY “YOU HAVE TO ANSWER FOR SANTINO, CARLO!” The cold words of Michael Corleone to his traitorous brother-in-law at the end of The Godfather are perhaps the most chilling in the whole movie. He kept Carlo Rizzi so close to him, buttering his ego, all the time knowing what he was going to…

FROM RIYADH, SAUDI ARABIA THE OFFER IS said to be in the high mega trillions; and the prize is … London! And insider whispers say that Rishi Sunak’s Government is giving really serious thought to selling the UK’s capital city to Saudi Arabia. Sir Archibald Pumpkin-Ratarse of the right-wing Make Us Great Society is certainly…

BANDWAGON DESK FURIOUS MATILDA FANS are sure where the blame for the team’s poor showing against England and then Sweden lies – Prime Minister Anthony Albanese! “The minute he stuck his nose into the Women”s World Cup, the campaign started to go pear-shaped,” said a commentator who does not wish to be named. “Everything that…

FROM THE MAHOGANY GASPIPE SUMMER SCHOOL, WILD WEST COAST OF IRELAND “IT’S NOT REALLY THE QUALITY, it’s the quantity,” explained Christy Penile-Implant of Save Us From Irish Poetry, a human rights group founded to support people whose lives have been destroyed by Celtic verse. “No other country on earth has so many fucking poets bombarding…