FROM OUR EQUALITY CORRESPONDENT GUY SANS BOULES A TOP SECRET plan to deliver all power on Earth into the hands of women has had to be deferred because the women involved all had hair and nail appointments. “Naturally, this is an unfortunate interruption of what we felt was an utterly sublime moment in human history,”…

FROM OUR CORRESPONDENT IN NIGER (IT’S IN AFRICA!!) PLUKY BRITS caught in the Niger coup chaos, having been told by their own Government just to stay indoors, are now hearing that French soldiers evacuating European citizens, have been told not to take any Britons who voted for Brexit. “And we have to answer their questions…

BY L.Y. ENGYTT, MEDIA EDITOR “WHEN MEN CHOOSE not to believe in God, they do not thereafter believe in nothing. They then become capable of believing in anything.” Belgian author Emile Cammaerts’ words must be following Sinead O’Connor to wherever she is now. Because even for someone who played the Virgin Mary at one time,…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY ANY CHINESE ATTACK on Taiwan will be probably be preceded by a huge surge of cat videos on YouTube and other sites, according to the CIA. In a leaked briefing paper for President Joe Biden -a copy of the paper was found on a Washington street stuck to a small bag of cocaine…

ENTERTAINMENT DESK “IF THAT YOUNG woman becomes any more famous, it could tip us into a repeat of 1929.” That young woman is Taylor Swift, and Nobel Prize runner-up economist Professor John Milton Keynes says her latest series of concerts are putting huge pressure on world interest rates. “The concentrated spending that each release of…

FROM OUR SPECIAL CORRESPONDENT, EL ZORO “THIS IS A joke, no? Take back California? Are you completely loco? No fucking way. Apologies for the undiplomatic language. California is a very unpleasant topic. Basket-case, isn’t that what you say?” The Mexican Government official who spoke these words was reading a secret protocol to the Treaty of…

BY FRANCIS LUNDOP, PLANNING CORRESPONDENT IN LIGHT OF the discovery of Irish markings on Iranian drones used by Russia against Ukraine, the Russian Government, sensing a secret ally, is said to have lodged a planning application to build a “small” ballistic missile base at its Dublin Embassy site on Orwell Road. “Nothing anyone will notice,”…

BY OUR MOVIE CRITIC, D. W. FORD-ORSON III IT’S AN ILL wind and all that, but all the metrics agree, films have suddenly improved dramatically since Hollywood’s actors and writers decided to withdraw their labor. Who knows how long it will last, or what the long-term effects will be? But just for a while, we…

FROM MELBOURNE, VICTORIA, AUSTRALIA “IT’S PERFECT. The detention centre can serve as the athlete’s village and all we need is a track and a pool. Two billion dollars max.” The Canberra consultant who spoke these words was already talking by phone to five Federal Labor Ministers on a conference call. “The biggest cost would be…

FROM THE 58,000 THEY RAN THE FIRST TIME, and it seems they’re running again. A string of famous people, some of whom have made fortunes playing tough guys, or warmongering in political office, are seeking deferment once again, this time from a proposed Vietnam Draft Dodgers’ reunion to be held in Canada. “They know who…