BY OUR SPECIES REPORTERS AN ENORMOUS species of butterfly, newly discovered in Papua New Guinea, has led scientists to theorize that severe weather events around the world may not all be the result of climate change. The Lepidoptera Giganticus, with a wingspan of almost three metres, has been found to cause mini-cyclones in its immediate…

BY D.B. UKREJ, CONSPIRACY EDITOR NEWS THAT AN ANONYMOUS LAWYER is now the Lee Harvey Oswald Professor of Wild Conspiracy Theories at Online University The Hoffa Institute has caused a surge in speculation around the world that it’s part of a conspiracy to cancel conspiracy theories. “It begins as comedy, and ends in tragedy,” remarked…

BY LOLA KINKS, IN ST PETERSBURG IN A DESPERATE attempt to get Russian men to man up and die for the motherland, the Russian Government produced a slick advert to get more men into its armed forced. “Apparently, the sons of Mother Russia have not been as enthusiastic as their leaders would like when it…

BY FREDERICO MEDIUMRARE, FROM KYIV DECADES AGO it might have ended in a blood bath. But today a meeting between former Provisional IRA volunteers and current S.A.S troopers ended in a brutal drinking match and an arm wrestle. The old IRA people are here schooling the Ukrainians in the finer points of assassination, car bombs,…

BY S.O. CHYLLING, SCIENCE REPORTER THE QUESTION WAS simple: What is the future of the human race? It was put to Orpheus, a computer program so intelligent that it has its own nuclear power station. The reply came back very slowly, one letter every minute. Some spectators swore they heard a small laugh when it…

WASTE MANAGEMENT DESK DEMOGRAPHERS CONSIDER it a crucial marker in the life span of any society: the moment it has more human shit on its streets than new human children. And San Francisco has reached that moment, known as the Turd Tipping Point. “It’s very hard for a society to recover from the Turd Tipping…

BY DELILAH ENDURA, DULL MALE EDITOR SHE SURVIVED Star Wars and Harry Potter, she says, and the Marvel Universe, and lining up for an iPad at midnight, and endless mindless video games, but when her husband tried to introduce her to the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, Ellie Jools slipped into a coma. Fifteen weeks…

BY T. E LAWRENCE, DEVIOUS FOREIGN PLOTS CORRESPONDENT IF ISLAMIC STATE gets its way, women will have to wear burkas on the moon, according to a CIA source. Fresh from losing top secret documents on the Ukraine War in a mass leak by a 21-year old National Guardsman, American Intelligence has sought to redeem itself…

BY OUR HEALTH EDITOR THE ALARM caused by Bud Light’s attempt to go Woke has forced scientists to examine the beer in order to calm fears that it might cause drinkers to gender transition without their realizing it. Well, having pumped various small rodents full of Bud Light, researchers have reported back that no signs…

BY MICHAEL MARKUS, IN TEL AVIV WITH ITS pink flags and dress-code, and disciplined organisation, it looked like it had been taken from the colour-coded revolution playbook written by the CIA. However, the pink protest against Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu was actually a giant cock-up by one of the world’s best spy agencies, Israel’s…