FROM DARKEST BELARUS RUMORS ARE CIRCULATING in Moscow that Vladimir Putin is has approached hard-man British TV star Ross Kemp to take command of the Wagner mercenaries following the group’s abortive march on the Russian capital. “Coup, my arse,” said a Kremlin insider. “This was industrial action. Remember, you get further with a kind word…

FROM ROSTOV-ON-DON THE ABORTIVE coup launched by the Wagner Private Military Company was sparked by revelations of undeclared payments to RTE superstar Ryan Tubridy, according to mercenary sources. A simmering dispute between the Kremlin and Wagner over pay and conditions blew up into full-scale rebellion for a while when the mercenaries found out that Tubridy…

FROM A VERY SMALL SLIGHTLY LIBERATED HAMLET IN SOUTHERN UKRAINE DESPITE PRESIDENT VOLODYMYR ZELENSKYY’S recent stirring rhetoric, news of a tactical pause in the Great Ukrainian Offensive has caused experts to fear that much of the unprecedented success enjoyed so far by Ukraine will be undermined, and the Russian army allowed to escape complete destruction…

FROM OUR RUNE READING CORRESPONDENT, IN NEWGRANGE, CO MEATH, IRELAND “HE’S DITCHED THE Fenians and come over to us. It’s quite apparent. Our No Surrender has forced his surrender.” Davy Paedo, a former international ballet dancer and one-time bare-knuckle boxing champion, who is also a minister in the Free Church of Fierce Condemnation, added that…

BY HARVEY WALL-BANGER, NATO MILITARY TACTICS EDITOR “NONE OF OUR plans anticipated the Russians actually fighting back, dude!” The American captain attached to NATO’s unofficial presence in Kyiv – supposedly an LGBTQIA+ Opera Company performing a gender fluid Madam Butterfly – bowed his head towards his fifth beer and swore. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. Even old…

BY OUR DUBLIN CORRESPONDENT A THIRD PARTY may be on the verge of entering the Ukraine conflict. Ireland is said to be in the process of laying claim to much of modern Ukraine based on the Scythian roots of the Celtic island’s population. “If we follow, say, something like the Israeli claim to the ancient…

BELGRADE, THURSDAY THE GERMANS called them wonder weapons, Wunderwaffen, in WW2. Some were even called revenge weapons, Vergeltungswaffen. It was hoped they change the curse of the war. They didn’t. Today, NATO likes to refer to them as game changers. Again, these are weapons that it is hoped will change the course of the war…

KYIV CORRESPONDENTS AND WIRE SERVICES THE GREAT UKRAINIAN OFFENSIVE, which has been missing in action for some days now, has made contact with those desperately searching for it in the endless flat lands of southeastern Ukraine. “Yes, signs of life have been detected in some sections of the front,” insisted a NATO officer who is…

BY A. HITLER, NAZI EDITOR, IN SOUTH AMERICA NOT ALL NAZIS are the same:

BY CHUCK HESTON IN DEAD MAN’S HAND, ARIZONA IT’S THE STUFF of countless westerns and police dramas: the American relying on his gun always triumphs. Well, now new research suggests that not only does he win, but he lives longer. “Five years on average,” says Clint Wayne, who authored the study for Republic of One…